Justin & I have been separated for a few months shy from a year. I got over the relationship rather quickly especially after the absurd 2 week “break” that we took, which killed me every day. Every single day that I knew we were on a “break” made me cry miserably, but it surprisingly took me that same amount of time to get over the relationship. [Quick side note: breaks are incredibly stupid. If you need to go on a "break" with someone, just break-up with them, it is clear the relationship isn't working out. Either the two of you just aren't working anymore, or you've both forgotten what makes you happy that you've lost yourself.]

So, what happened with us? We took a major dip that I talked about, but then we also talked about it & rekindled what we had, or so I thought. Little did I know, Justin was “faking” it the entire time. When we broke up, he was clearly no longer the person I knew & fell in love with anymore. People change, it’s natural, but the person I was staring at with my eyes heavy with tears, was no longer someone I recognized. He had changed so much that I didn’t even know who he was anymore. He was rude, inconsiderate, cold, & selfish. I haven’t spoken to him since our break-up, but that was his choice since he promised that he’d keep in touch, but he didn’t. I don’t bother to contact him because I feel he doesn’t deserve the privilege to speak to me. It’s not much of a right, but what little of a right it is, it’s not something he deserves.

Since Justin, I’ve gone out so much that I at one point, landed myself someone–Tom–to have fun with on the weekends. I was casually seeing him & casually sleeping with him, but Tom is trying to play games with me by making me chase him. I know I’m pretty young, but I feel that I’m too damn old emotionally to be playing games. Does he want to get laid on a weekly basis or not? Last time I checked, he works way too much to go out looking for a girlfriend, so right now, I’m the next best thing & he’s said so himself. I’m not going to chase any guy I don’t see a future with, especially not him. So, I got over that & deleted his number from my phone to prevent drunk texting him. For someone of his age, you’d think that he’d be a little more mature, but he’s comparable to a Frat boy with money. That’s the last thing I need & I’d rather cut out the anxiety that brings me.

Now I’m back at square one: no guy (although there are some that are actively chasing me), enjoying the freedoms of being single & its lack of responsibilities, & exploring a whole new world that I never got to explore before. This year has been a bit of a roller coaster for me emotionally, but after my separation with Justin, I’ve been so happy with my life. I’m loving every minute of it & I’m in the best place & best age to be single.

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Derek and I don’t talk anymore. We were for a bit, but I haven’t texted him in a week and I’m just trying to move on with my life. Since I don’t talk to him, and I’m no longer having sex.. I decided to stop taking birth control because it was pointless for me to be spending money on it every month when I wasn’t using it. That, and the clinic is only open one day a week for four hours so it was hard for me to pick up another pack. I figured going off it would stop me from having sex with him too, because it’s riskier. Not that I’m talking to him but you know, given our history you never know.

Since going off it (actually, a little bit before too) I’ve been an emotional wreck. I cry at everything, stupid things, random songs, memories, etc. It sucks. I never had any problems while on the pill, and so far have had no problems going off it like some people said they have but I’m just so moody and emotional. Last night, I almost cried because my mom went to Wal-Mart without me. I started sobbing randomly last night, just out of no where. And 85% of the time, I just want to text Derek and tell him to make me feel better, but I don’t. And I can’t.

I’m being strong on the whole, don’t text him thing. I know that time (or another boy, heh) is the only thing that’s going to help me move on. Texting him isn’t going to, and I knew that ages ago but I never did it because I never really wanted it to be the end of us. And honestly, I still don’t. He was a shitty boyfriend and is a pretty shitty person in general now, but it’s so hard when I used to love him so much. But since he’s not him anymore, all I want is that old him back but I know that’s not possible. I’m being strong, and just crying myself to sleep versus texting him, sexing him, or anything of the sort. Yeah, so I want to cry at work when a certain song comes on or I want to cry when I’m n a freaking CAR WASH because of the memories of us going through those, with the windows leaking or spending the whole time making out.

It’s hard. It’ll be worth it in the end. Part of me still thinks (but tries not to hope) that one day, he’ll realize what an asshole he was, how good I was to him, and how we could have worked. But I can’t wait for him, and I can’t keep letting myself get hurt. So I’m done, and I will be so mad at myself if I try to text him.

But it still sucks, that he hasn’t tried to text me. I mean, I know that I went off on him about how much better I deserved and was a bitch, but he deserved that after everything he’s done. It sucks to feel like after all this time he doesn’t care, when I’m here crying over it day in & day out but. Idk, that’s life and that’s just one of the many reasons we aren’t together anymore, and why I’m better off without him.

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Right after I last posted, Derek and I had a huge fight. He was a giant asshole, telling me things like he used me for sex, was never happy in our relationship, etc. He deleted me off of facebook, and for a week we didn’t talk until he out of the blue texted me. He eventually gave a shitty apologize, and swore that he had changed back into a somewhat different version of the one I once knew, and that I’d be blown away.

And for awhile, I was. He seemed so different, with his sweet words and him wanting us to work out. He seemed so sweet when we’d just spend all night hugging, sometimes kissing, and holding me tight when I would start crying. I truly started to believe he changed, but I’m starting to realize that it’s not the case at all.

I can feel the asshole version of him slipping through, and I can hear myself yelling at me telling me to just STOP bothering wit him. That he doesn’t deserve to be in my life, and he’s just not worth it. Yet, I continue to hang out with him. It’s a battle to NOT text him, after he got mad at me when he had no right to; because he got mad at me for not doing something that he wouldn’t do. He got mad at me for being nice to him, after he was pissy at me. And he made another snide comment, about how he thinks I can be a bitch. The other day, it was how I am sly and kniving.

God fucking hell, why did I ever give him that last chance? Why do I still want to text him now? Why did I fall in love with someone who turned out to be such a fucking asshole? Why will I end up giving him yet another chance, when he hasn’t deserved any of the ones lately?

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It’s been a while since I blogged. Wil and I are going great, so I really hope I shouldn’t have to update you on anything. We did some experimenting but I don’t think we were ever in the right ‘mood’. I think we talk way too much when it comes to those things. *throws hands in the air* I don’t know, haha. ♥

Jeremy pisses me off so fucking much right now, I don’t even know where to begin. The other day I completely ignored him for all of two days. It’s unusual because we usually talk every day – being friends and all. But he fucking pissed me off.

Jeremy’s fat. Okay, I hate to say it, and I know it might insult large people – but I promise I do not mean it like that. I’m just being blunt. He’s fat. It shows on his face… yeah okay, that’s enough.

I told Lana about a certain incident: I watched him wolf down a large beef box with gulps of an entire bottle of Pepsi in between. Trust me, you do not want to see it. It was disgusting.

A while ago when we had a fight (yeah, we have them pretty often) I told him, honestly, the things about him that bothered me. I told him kindly that he did need to lose weight. It fucking impacts on me.

I have a high cholesterol but I’m stick-thin. I try to eat healthy all the time and here is this jerk who eats burgers and chips all the time. I find it a complete insult. I have a boyfriend who strictly watches what he eats, exercises every day, and encourages me to eat well. Bethany has PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) which restricts her to a diet that is low sugar, low fat, low salt and less than 2000 calories. Her father has a myriad of health problems. So does my father, with high cholesterol, high blood pressure and now anaemia. I have a mother who has troubles with her weight. I have a close friend Dan who I knew since high school, and since then I’ve seen him try so, so, so hard to lose weight.

But you know what? Jeremy told me he’d try. He doesn’t try. He just simply fucking does not. When he ate a snack at about 11pm, I scolded him – not rudely – and I told him it was not a good idea and not to do that. He got angry at me and told me, “Audrey, it’s just one sandwich and only for today -.-”. A day later he apologised, and I said it’s fine but I was simply – as a friend – concerned about him. To which he fucking repeated what he said and just pissed me off all over again.

If a friend shows concern, I accept it and I promise them I will try not to concern them. I don’t say “Don’t worry, I only did it once”.

When I used to harm myself, I did not say to my friends, “Ugh don’t worry about me okay? I only cut myself once.”
It’s bad enough. It’s still bad. I promised my friends I would try not to do it again. I don’t know how you could be so rude to a friend, goddamn fuck you.

I couldn’t take it so that’s why I ignored him. We are back on speaking terms now but I simply hate the fact that Jeremy thinks losing weight is so easy. It’s fucking not. And I do, honestly, find it insulting. I find it insulting to me, someone who tries to eat well, and surrounded by people who have health problems. My grandparents died from diabetes/high cholesterol. And he’s fucking eating himself into a stroke. And that’s the truth. He doesn’t eat any vegetables. I had to eat his fucking vegetables when we went out to eat because he left them all on his plate. He drinks tea and soft drink all the time, never any milk (thanks Lana for pointing this out).

And I’m sick of Jeremy not trying. Do you know how much I try in excelling in my studies? I study when I need to. I spend more time on my assignments and make sure I’m following my criteria. I try to hand in what is my best work.

When Jeremy hands something in, he says, “It’s not my best but I’m just going to hand it in”. Then he gets fucking angry and complains when his grade isn’t even good. You just brought it upon yourself, bitch. When I encourage him to ask the tutor to see where he went wrong, he just says, “I know it wasn’t my good work, that’s all I need to know.”

In short, goddamn fuck you.

PS Jackie, I’ll reply to your email soon! I started typing a reply and then never got around to finishing it…

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It’s been awhile since I’ve posted, and I think a lot has happened since then in terms of my relationship with Derek.

Just recently, I realized something. We’ve still kept up with our ex-sex, and I think I’m just finally realizing now why I do it (other than the fact that I like sex). I no longer love him, because he is no longer the same person he used to be.

To come to this conclusion, well it kind of sucks. He’s changed a lot in the last few months, even before we broke up… and it’s to the point where.. I don’t even really recognize the person he is anymore. Because he’s not the same, at all. I think why I chose to continue on with the sex was because I was hoping that maybe somehow, he would go back to being the old him – maybe when he was done school, or moved back home or just randomly one day, and then the old him, the one that loved me.. would come back & we could be happy again. Because I still love that old version, but I can’t say that I love him because he’s a totally different person. I can barely even say I like the new version of him.

I don’t know why it’s hitting me so hard to realize this, but maybe because I finally realize that he’s not going to change back & I can’t keep hoping for that. It’s like Kate Voegele says I guess,I’ve seen your act & I know all the facts / I’m still in love with who I wish you were / It ain’t hard to see who you are underneath / and I’m still in love with who I wish you were / I wish you were here.

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