Strange as it may seem considering we’ve been together quite a long time, today was the first time I saw Wil with no clothes on. And vice versa.

The whole experience was pretty awkward, and we were saying the most awkward things. We’ve felt aroused around each other sometimes – but in completely the wrong place.

You’re reading about the couple who would put their hands in each other’s pockets at the back of the classroom in English class in high school whilst we were watching a video. The couple who would lie on top of each other in the quiet park down the road, and then almost being caught by some perverted jerk-off who obviously had nothing better to do but watch and simply assume that the young couple were having intercourse.

The couple who would tease each other online with sexual innuendos and the like.

The couple who wouldn’t ever feel that way in each other’s presence – no, rarely.

Wil and I rarely get time alone, and today we did. Even though we were kissing each other passionately as we pressed our bodies against each other before we were unclothed, it was awkward. We talked and wondered what we should do, for both of us were curious but not quite ready to fire into anything.

What meant the most to me was that upon discussing oral sex, Wil held me close and said, “Please. Don’t do this unless you really want to. I don’t want it to end up in your mouth, and I really don’t want you to do anything you’re going to regret later on or anything you don’t even want to do.”

It kind of shot back a strange memory of Jeremy – shit, Jeremy, shit really. I remembered one occasion where Jeremy wanted to discuss sex on a certain level, but before continuing, he said, “You’re the girl. And because you’re the girl, it’s up to you. It’s always up to the girl.”

My respect meter for him just fucking exploded. And my respect meter for Wil? It went way past 100% too, but the contents bubbled and cracked the casing as it overflowed. What he said was so sweet.

I decided to try performing oral sex on Wil. Big step. Something we’d talked about, as a possibility, quite some time ago. My curiosity got the better of me after he left me in throes of ecstasy by rubbing me down there…

We were mucking around so it didn’t go very far – for one thing we were laughing over a condom. I’d never seen one before today, and neither had he. I think we were just being really immature about it. After I started on him, we just couldn’t stop laughing.

I kind of thought that one day soon we’d go pretty far – if this isn’t “far” already – but I don’t know. Sometimes I like the bliss of just kissing, holding, just the presence of one another. I wouldn’t do anything if I wasn’t ready. And I love Wil, because he respects that.

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“The L word” – love – is an overrated piece of shit. People say it with the word “I” preceding it and the word “you” following it, in most circumstances. And in some of these circumstances, it is said without meaning, or said to someone and things go downhill because it is apparently a sign of “true feelings” and the other person doesn’t feel the same way. Get out. Dude, get out.

I’m not saying that it should never be said, or that if it’s been said, it means nothing. I am not saying that at all. I’m saying that you should look back on every time you’ve said it to someone and you tell me: did you mean it? Was it hard to say?

If you meant it, how did you mean it? “I love you” should never be hard to say when it’s true. But did you mean it as – what? – to your wuvvable big bro? To your mother? To your best girl friend? To your teacher? To the person you think you’re going to spend the rest of your life with?

Cor. Yes, Cor, the infamous, short and much younger ex-boyfriend. I’d always told him I loved him online. But when it came to saying it in person, it was so fucking hard. I was standing for twenty minutes in front of him as he waited patiently, before I could finally say it. And even then, I couldn’t look him in the eye. It was almost embarrassing – no wait, it was embarrassing.

Looking back on it now, I think that maybe I didn’t love him, and that’s why I couldn’t say it, it wouldn’t come out as easily.

Wil. ♥ Obviously, this was just perfect. At least, the first time it was. Wil is the only person I’ve said “I love you” to more than once. The first time, we just had our arms around each other. We’d just been holding each other for a while, feeling the warm and comfort of each other’s presence. Every now and then I looked up at him and held him tighter. Then I looked up at his face and I told him that I loved him, and he told me the same.

We still say it to each other all the time.

Jeremy. Oh yeah, here’s the real problem. Jeremy was in love with me. And I had some feelings for him about a month ago. One day, when I was feeling a bit pooped up, Jeremy told me how amazing I was, how much he appreciated me as a friend, and how much he wanted us to stay friends.

You know those times when you’re hanging with friends, perhaps on an occasion like your birthday, when you’re opening gifts? You open an oddly light package from your best friend. She might not have the best wrapping skills, and she only had Christmas wrapping paper left, but you open the package to reveal – the DVD of your favourite television show that you’ve had your freaking eyes on for ages that you weren’t able to afford or to bother getting because you were a darned cheapskate who preferred to watch on YouTube.

Your eyes go wide. Your mouth gapes open in shock. You screech in excitement.

“Oh my gosh Bethany I love you!”

You throw your arms around your best friend while you’re jumping up and down in a rare act of multitasking.

It’s a little like that with Jeremy. I love Jeremy for the things he does sometimes. I tell him I love him when I completely appreciate the favours he does for me. Except for the time he dropped the L word. I was almost expecting it. I told him, “Don’t say it.” I knew he was going to, and he said that he had to.

“I love you. I really love you. I love you, really.”

I told him, “I like you, Jeremy… I really do.” I asked myself why. I couldn’t say the words he probably wanted to hear. I just couldn’t. It was wrong and I felt like I shouldn’t tell another guy that I loved him. I love Jeremy, as a friend. The reason I wanted to tell him I liked him was… because I feel that I may have been infatuated with him now.

I feared that he’d take it the way I didn’t intend to say it. I loved him as a friend. I’d ripped his heart by the pulmonary artery and damaged his right ventricle a million times over already.

Then a day came when he said it to me again. Fuck it, I thought. The three words exploded out of my mouth. So be it. If you love someone any which way, just fuckin’ tell them. If they mean that much for you to say it, they should know how you mean it.

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As Gretchen Weiners once put it, “it’s like the rules of Feminism!” & it really is. There’s a “Bro Code” that guys follow if they don’t want their asses handed to them, but for us girls, there is an unwritten girl code that we should abide by if we don’t want to be that whore/bitch everyone hates. So I’m going try to change that & write down our unwritten girl code. Similar to the “Bro Code”, our first code is simple & should be branded into each & every girl’s head.

Chicks Before Dicks

I’ve had bitches screw me over because they favor dicks over their own girlfriends. There is no reason you should backstab your girlfriend. Don’t be a bitch because you think you’re trying to eliminate the competition by snagging your girlfriend’s man. There are plenty of dicks for you to screw, don’t steal your girlfriend’s. There are 7 billion people on this planet; there is no need for you to act like you have to ensure your species’s survival.

If you’re one of those girls that hate girls, I’m with you. I understand why you hate girls & I’m almost positive that you have more guy friends than girlfriends & it’s either because you’re a stupid cunt or because your ex-girlfriends are stupid cunts. Take your pick! I hope it’s the latter because you need to see a therapist if you think it’s hilarious to screw over your girls all the time.

Example 1

When you find out that the guy you’ve been crushing on likes your girlfriend that also likes him & he has confided in you, what do you do?

a) Tell him that your friend has HPV.
b) Tell him that your friend has had a sex-change operation & still has a penis.
c) Tell him that you think your friend deserves the best & you won’t approve of the relationship if he’s going to play her or else you’ll hunt him down & chop off his balls.
d) Tell your girlfriend that the guy likes her, but he has stage 3 syphilis, & his penis is the size of a AA battery.
e) Don’t tell your girlfriend anything; she obviously doesn’t deserve this guy. He’s too awesome for her.

If you picked any answer that was not C, you need to be bitch slapped to the Arctic where you can hang out with materials your heart is made out of & then proceed to be mauled by polar bears.

Example 2

Your girl has broken up with/has been broken up a guy. He pretty much screwed her over in all ways possible & is the biggest scumbag you know. You would’ve never met this guy if you didn’t meet him through your girlfriend. You know that your girlfriend & her ex are not on speaking terms. For some reason, your girl’s ex has been talking to you lately & has asked you to hang out. What do you do?

a) What kind of question is that, Jackie? Why the hell would I be talking to my girlfriend’s ex in the first place? He’s dead to me. Why would I talk to a guy who screwed over my best friend?
b) Tell him to get raped by a horse & then tell your girl what he’s been doing.
c) Ignore him & block his number/screen name/e-mail/etc.
d) Tell him that he’s the most pathetic excuse of a human being you’ve ever met in your entire life & that his very existence makes you want to hurl him into a sinkhole. Then tell him to go fuck a goat.
e) Let him know when you’re free so the two of you can hang out & stuff.

Please get yourself injected with full blown AIDs if you chose E. This is your best friend, your girlfriend, & you decide to go behind her back & hang out with someone that hurt her? Why in the world would you do that? If you want to make this easy on yourself because you think her ex is a complete hunk– I don’t care if he looks like Zac Efron or Brad Pitt, if he screwed your sister from another mister over, he’s as ugly as the crap you took this morning in your toilet bowl–pretend that he murdered your sister in front of you. Why such excruciating imagery? Because he basically tossed your girlfriend’s heart into a blender & set it to liquify! How is that even a question?

Example 3

Your friend just dumped this really cute guy. You’ve totally been interested in him since day 1. He’s single, you’re single. What next?

a) Call him up & see if he needs a shoulder to kiss, I mean cry on.
b) Take your friend out for a girls’ night out.
c) Rape him.
d) Tell your girlfriend that you’ve always had a crush on her ex & you want to know if it’s okay if you can start seeing him right after she tells you on the phone that they broke up.
e) Ask your friend what went wrong in the relationship & be there for her if she’s feeling sad about the break-up.

I hope your answers were B & E. You should never date your best friend’s ex. Even if she says it’s okay, it’s probably not okay. Sure, I’ll give you the few instances & occurrences when it’s not a big deal, but over all, if this relationship was a long-term relationship & they exchanged, “I love you’s”, you need to forget about him & find a new guy to crush on. Every situation varies of course, but unless a significant amount of time (years) has passed, it is not okay to date your best friend’s ex. There’s a reason they didn’t work out. Always put your girlfriend first & any form of penis second.

Uphold the code because if you don’t, you’ll find yourself to be bridesmaids-less.

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I’m a small girl.  I’m short, skinny.. and until this year, my boobs were A cups.  I always secretly wished that they would grow, but figured they wouldn’t.  I thought I was doomed to be stuck with a simple 34A.

Nope.  They’re now 34C.  I have no idea how that happened.. I’m guessing birth control pills, or the rumor I’ve heard about boys touching boobs = makes them grow.  But now the growing is getting out of hand!  They USUALLY don’t look that big, but there are some days when they look gi-freaking-normous.  And it scares me sometimes.  I bought 6 new bras back in.. January I think (a month after I started taking birth control) and they were all A’s.  Now only one of them fits properly, and that’s because it was a 38A.. and it’s still getting to be too small.  There are a few that I literally just can’t wear because my boobs fully fall out of them, and I don’t want any nip slips like the celebs.

Derek doesn’t mind… at ALL.  And I can’t say that I DISLIKE that they’ve grown, it’s just soo inconvient to only have two bras that fit nicely, because they are the ones I bought recently (when I discovered my new size).

I just can’t believe I’m a C now.. it’s weird.

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Last night, I had a really great conversation with my friend Adam. I mentioned on my about page that “I find that I can talk to him about a lot of things.”

Well, let me tell you something about me and Adam. Adam and I share what is probably the coolest friendship in the history of the world. Adam thinks it’s because we’ve dated in the past, so all that sexual tension is just gone. Poof. As he put it, we can talk about anything at all without him thinking “I want to do her.” It’s pretty damn cool.

Many of our conversations end up revolving around sex. It’s ironic because as a couple, we never got farther than cuddling and making out. There weren’t any opportunities for anything else.

I think everyone needs that friend they can talk to about anything, and even more so when it comes to talking about sexual themes. Someone who is open-minded, won’t judge, and contributes with his or her own thoughts and experiences about sex. And there has to be trust. No worrying about if said friend will turn around and repeat what you just said to everyone he or she knows. Adam is one of those friends for me. I don’t know why I can trust him so much more than the rest of my friends, or why these things are so much easier to talk about with him, but I’m not complaining.

Last night, we covered a lot of sexual topics. We talked about hooking up, hand jobs, bras… the list goes on and on. Over the course of it all, I ended up telling him something that I had never told anyone in my life. It was something that had been in the back of my mind for a while, but that didn’t become explicitly clear to me until I talked with him last night. Don’t get too excited; I’m not going to publish it here. It’s not something that even needs to be said, but telling it to Adam helped me to be a lot more honest in our conversation.

I was actually so astounded by the conversation we had last night that I kept thinking about it again throughout the day today. It’s not that I haven’t had such conversations with him (or others) before, but it reminded me just how much I can trust him and how much I open up when I talk with him.

What I think I’m trying to say is that I’m grateful to have a friend like Adam, and I’m glad I didn’t just throw away our friendship after we stopped dating. Who says two people can’t stay friends after breaking up? Not me.

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