Whoops. So I realised I never filled Peyton in on this one.

I guess I went into my little bubble and had a cry and scream about the whole thing… but let’s do this reflection thing as I planned it. (I can’t believe I never posted about it, probably got too caught up in other shit happening.)

Jeremy and I came to the conclusion (well, I suppose he did) that kisses are overrated. And that was after we kissed. Yeah, I hear the voiceover coming from you now.

You kissed Jeremy? What the fuck did Wil think? What the fuck were you thinking?

Before we go off into a plan on slaughtering me: Can I just say that we kissed; simple as that. The fact that I responded to the kiss, just explains that fact itself, also hopefully clarifying that he was the one who went in for it. But let me go to said time and place and said incident of this one kiss. I suppose you could say it was a long kiss (not 12 centimetres, I mean in duration, geez), but how long it takes is a little beside the point. Not to mention, we all have our own perceptions of “long”, and once kissing Wil for 40 minutes was “long” to me. So… I don’t know.

For some time while my mother confiscated my laptop and in which I was just going through a really rough time at home, I often went to the bank before work or just browsed the shops. I had to ask my dad to drop me off early but he didn’t mind, nor did he get suspicious.

During that time I met up with Jeremy, because he just wanted to see if I was okay. Wil didn’t have the time to head down and see me, and after planned meetings with friends and shit, and my mother totally ruining them and making my life miserable, all I wanted was a friend to give me a hug. Jeremy was someone who was able to find the time to come and see me, and the only opportunity for that was by heading off to work early.

(Parents suck, FTR.)

Jeremy and I would just sit there in the park near my workplace, and talk, or just hug, and it just made me feel better, knowing that I had a friend who could cheer me up.

Several times, we’d kissed each other on the cheek upon farewell. I liked to think it was just a friendly gesture (well, since we are close friends), but sooner or later it happened: it went further.

The way Jeremy would like me to tell it probably goes a little something like this.

He was kissing my cheek a few times. It got pretty tempting to just kiss him. I knew it was wrong. I tried not to do it. But I felt really comforted by the feel of his arms around me.
I sort of blurted, “Why do you have to do that? Kissing me like that might as well be the equivalent of kissing me on the mouth.” (Lips? Whatever.)

It was a nasty statement to provoke him, knowing how much he wanted to actually kiss me, and how I often did myself, but also knowing that we were trying so hard. Trying really hard not to. So when he went in for my mouth I just kissed him back. I felt his lips on mine, and his arms around me, and the feel of his tongue before I realised — fuck.

It was an incident that made me cry and rip my hair out on several occasions, because, ultimately, I could not… I simply could not lie to Wil, and eventually, I told him. I freaking love him. He’s not the kind of guy to bash up other people for acts like this. He just… took it with a grain of salt, I guess? He simply disliked that Jeremy had the capacity of mind to perform such an action. He didn’t feel hatred for Jeremy, or want to murder him, or want to stab his heart with a pick axe. He didn’t slap me for telling him two months later, for hiding it from him and not telling him straight away, for kissing Jeremy back…

“Force of habit.”

I’m only… thankful… that that same force of habit doesn’t lead me to do the same thing again. I missed kissing Wil, and the thrill there was in kissing Jeremy – well, that was just wrong. I’m not doing it again. I slapped myself for this one. For fuck’s sake, Audrey. Make out with your pillow or something for the time being.

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My very first post addressed my concerns with Justin not being “in love” with me, but just “loving” me. That was about 2 months ago & since then, we have had a falling out of love situation. He fell out of love with me & I saw it coming, I just didn’t think that I wouldn’t be considered his future wife anymore. Justin claimed that he didn’t know what he felt, or how he felt about our future, he just knew that he loved me & he wanted to work things out. After our long talk–my eyes totally drained of any liquid in my body–he told me that he loved me more then. I didn’t understand why or how this all happened. Why me? What did I do? I’d still say, “I do,” but he’d say, “I don’t know…?” which kills me. How does one go from finding her soul mate to him having doubts about us?

This whole ordeal threw me into a deep state of depression. Whenever I was with Justin, things weren’t the same, things weren’t healing. I took every single joke to heart because I was so depressed that my sense of humor was completely shot. I hardly smiled around him & he always pointed out how sad I looked. He never at any point, asked me what he could do to cheer me up because he knew exactly what would (affection, love, kisses, “I love you”, etc), but he hesitated. He couldn’t say or do anything to make me feel better because he didn’t feel that way for me anymore.

Just a few days ago, I felt more miserable than ever. I cried all night & I just couldn’t stand it anymore so I called him to talk about our relationship. After two hours, I ended our phone call with, “I don’t want to have sex with you anymore, I can’t. It doesn’t feel right if I give myself to someone who doesn’t see me in their future. You used to tell me that you felt closer to me when we had sex, but now I feel that we just do it so you can get your rocks off. I’m going to guess that you’re not going to say anything to that, so I’ll talk to you later.” What’s sad is he just said, “okay,” & didn’t try to tell me that he wasn’t using me. I continued to cry my eyeballs out & wet my pillow with my salty tears.

The following day my tear ducts could not give me a break. I cried so much that I could’ve dug a hole in my backyard to create a pool. In my irrational & hurt state of mind, my judgment was clouded & I simply could not think clearly. That’s when Lana reminded me of the episode of Friends when Monica & Chandler talked about soul mates. Phoebe claimed she had found Monica’s soul mate which made Chandler nervous even though they were married. Monica calmed Chandler down by telling him, “I don’t think that you & I were destined to end up together. I think that we fell in love & work hard at our relationship. Some days we work really hard.” That gave me clarity & I humbly thanked Lana for reminding me of that episode.

This whole time Justin had been telling me that he didn’t think we were compatible because we bickered so often. I didn’t think we fought about anything, I just didn’t see it because our disagreements were so tiny that it didn’t affect the way I felt about him. Yet, I finally realized that he thought we weren’t perfect for each other anymore because we had disputes. When I went over to his house, I cried for about an hour in silence, & then we talked. I didn’t exactly tell him that I got this from Lana or Friends, but I used an example he understood: his grandparents. I talked to him about how couples bicker all the time, but that doesn’t mean that they’re not compatible. No relationship is perfect & during our little tiffs, he has never yelled at me nor pointed out my flaws; he has always been civil. My last “relationship” consisted of dirty fights with screaming matches & make-up make out sessions that never solved anything. When Justin & I have disagreements, however petty–such as my concern with him contaminating his food by using the same spoon he licked to scoop a condiment out on his sandwich–we have always been civil with each other. That is something I absolutely cherish about our relationship.

“Relationships take work & they’re not always easy. Just because we have arguments doesn’t mean we aren’t meant for each other,” I reminded him. We held each other for a bit & afterward, I laughed for the first time in a long time after he told me that the whole situation between us made his stomach upset. I quoted “Mean Girls” to him, “Gretchen, I’m sorry I laughed at you that time you got diarrhea at Barnes & Nobles. & I’m sorry for telling everyone about it. & I’m sorry for repeating it now.” Magically, I didn’t feel miserable anymore. I felt content. He looked at me & said he didn’t want me to feel like he was using me for sex so he was fine with us not engaging in any.

We watched one of his favorite movies while I massaged his back–the closest I felt we’ve been in a while. In the middle of the movie, he turned to me to give me a kiss on the cheek. It turned into a kiss on the lips which turned into making out, which turned into heavy making out…then the next thing I knew, my clothes were on the ground faster than I could say, “hold on,” & we were on his bed, naked. He repeated to me, “We don’t have to have sex if you don’t want to,” to which I asked him to tell me he loved me. I needed to hear it, I had to hear it. “I do love you, Jackie, I do. I really do love you,” & with tears streaming down my face, I pushed my will power aside, pushed my man down, & got on top. Several position changes later, when the deed was done, he laid on top of me & kissed me several times; a feat that had been quite rare before our “downfall”. We finished the movie with his head on a pillow rested over my lap.

I think that we are making progress. Hopefully he doesn’t let our silly disputes affect his feelings for me anymore. My mind is finally clear & the reason we got to where we did was because I became increasingly upset inside about him not appealing to my romantic side. I let it get to me so badly that I became depressed & it affected our relationship because I wanted what I knew he’d never give me. Big mistake, girls. Learn from mine & just appreciate what you have & what life gives you.

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Jeremy and I had a fight yesterday. Ugh. I filled Lana in on this. I met him in the mornings like I usually do. I didn’t take my laptop because I wanted less strain on my back and I figured I wouldn’t need my laptop much during the day anyway, due to other plans and not really needing it in class (it’s funny that my mum suspected me of not going to class because I didn’t bring my laptop, heh).

I hopped on the computer when I got to university. I mean, after chatting with Jeremy a bit, and reading his Scott Pilgrim comic. When Leroy came, I said, “Hey, Leroy’s here.”

“I know,” he said, a bit bluntly. I didn’t suspect anything was up. After I checked my email and websites before class started, I also talked to Leroy, but Jeremy was engrossed in watching something on his iPhone with his earphones in. When I came across a video on the computer of a cute cat and bird walking together, I thought he might like it. I got Leroy to tap him on the shoulder.

Jeremy took out his earphones, looked up, sort of scoffed, and then just went back to what he was doing. I scoffed back and said that he didn’t even give the video a chance. Maybe I sounded a bit mad.

Jeremy said he was going to the lecture room and he’d see us inside. Once inside, the expression on his face told me something was up, so I asked if he was okay.

“Not really,” he said coldly.
“Are you… mad at me?” I asked, jumping the gun. It was a possibility.
“Yes.” He snapped.
“What did I do?”
“I’ll tell you later,” he said, and gestured his hand as if to tell me to get out of his way and sit.
The way he said it was really damn cold. I actually felt like crying then and there, because Jeremy hadn’t ever been so snappish with me.

After the lecture, he just went to the shops. Maybe because I gave him the cold shoulder. I spent some time with Leroy and Wil, and I had a good time alone with Wil, too.

I said to Jeremy two hours later in class, “You don’t have to sit next to me.”
“If I didn’t want to sit here I wouldn’t be here.”
“You’re not going to tell me what’s up.”
“You want me to tell you now with all these people here?”

After class, Leroy said, “Come on Jeremy, what’s up.”
“I need to talk to Audrey alone, so can you go away for a second?”

Fire from the dragon’s mouth.

“I don’t come here early at 8am and wake up at 6:30am for you to go on the computer and return comments. I don’t keep you company because of that. I wanted to talk to you. And I actually had stuff to tell you and I wanted to chat to you. I found it SO RUDE when you just sat there away from me and used the computer. When you didn’t bring your laptop I thought you would be away from the computer but you just went on there AS SOON AS YOU GOT HERE.”

He was so angry. He was furious and I couldn’t look him in the eye to see the expression on his face. I just wanted to cry. I could feel the tears coming up, but I didn’t say anything. I wanted to get angry that he was mad about something so small. I wanted to apologise and just hug and let it pass. I was just so close to tears that in the end my pride just took over because I didn’t want him to see me cry.

“Are you okay?” he asked, genuinely, and I could feel his face no longer that angry…
“If something about me bothered you that much, you could have told me earlier instead of making me wait.”

I walked away. Around the corner, there was Leroy… thank goodness he was there to make me feel better. I felt like shit for doing that. But he was angry over something so small that it hurt more the way he said it, than what he was angry about.

When I got home, Jeremy had sent me an email. He said he didn’t mean for what he said to come out so angrily. I called him up, we talked it over, and we’re okay now. He worried that I was never going to talk to him again. Well, it was a stupid little thing to get angry about. But I’m glad we sorted things out.

Then, problem two. Far out. Wil texted me at night and said that he couldn’t sleep. I don’t even know why… but he just suddenly brought up the subject of Jeremy.

(I told Wil that Jeremy and I kissed. It was a difficult feat, but he’s no longer bothered by it… but he still seems not to like Jeremy. Even after Jeremy apologised to him in person…)

Wil said, “Is there a reason you talk to me so little on MSN? You talk to Jeremy about things in your day and you barely say anything to me.”

I asked if he wanted to chat and talk about it…

“No. I don’t understand his attempts to get your affection or attention, but his instability bothers me. That doesn’t seem to concern you, so I’ll just shut it.”

I don’t know why. It made me really upset. We had a nice time together and suddenly he was being so hostile – Bethany said it was just because he couldn’t sleep, maybe. I just want it to blow over. Why the fuck does everyone I love suddenly go bonkers? I never mean to hurt Wil just because I don’t chat to him much online. I know, maybe I need to stop spending so much time with my websites. Already I feel like I am, and that I’m drifting away from my online hobbies. I enjoy spending time with Wil in person. It just hurts that he is angry over something so trivial, and got so snappy at me like that.

As was Jeremy. Are all males like this? Freaking hell.

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I need to cut him out of my life. I know that. I know in order for me to move on, and find what/who I deserve, I need to cut him out of my life.

And I want to do that so that I can move on, but I don’t want to do that because I’m scared. I’m scared that I won’t find someone else.. scared I’ll be lonely. And most of all, scared that soon he’ll realize what he lost and want me back, and that maybe I’ll give in. Or maybe I’m more scared that he is actually over it, and he would never want to get back together. Yeah, I think that scares me more..

Either way, I’m not giving him the option to REALIZE what he lost, because I’m still there. I still give him sex, and I still text him and talk to him all the time, and do everything we did when we were a couple minus saying I love you, kissing goodbye (he gets mad when I do that) and holding hands. And I know that that’s a big problem. I know it should be different. I want it to be different, but I want things to just go back to how they were.

My plan, at the moment.. is to cut him out of my life. To tell him tonight when (if) I see him, that I think he’s wrong about us, and I think that we could work out.. but that I’m not going to keep letting myself get hurt to try to prove that. I’m no longer going to try to convince him that we should be together, or try to prove myself to him. If he doesn’t want me, then that’s his loss.

That’s my plan… but I don’t know if I’ll actually be strong enough to do it. I’m not even strong enough to just type this, because I now have a giant lump in my throat and my eyes are starting to go fuzzy. Wish me luck? I’ll need it, if I even do see him tonight.

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I just had… mind blowing sex. Like.. really, really, reeeeaaaally good sex. I literally couldn’t feel my teeth after (is that weird?) and my fingers were all tingly, and I just felt.. drunk. And reeeeeally good. I couldn’t see straight, and I could barely sit up without my head just.. spinning. I think it was a mix of the intensity of pleasure, pain from doing it twice and a bit of the closeness factor.

I don’t give blowjobs. I find the thought of it gross and it’s never EVER something that I have ever wanted to do, nor feel the need to do. Tonight though? I actually felt like doing it. 99% chance, if Derek and I were dating.. I would have done it. And as the girls know, that is a HUGE thing for me to say. I wasn’t going to tell Derek that, because I figured.. it’s kind of like a tease, y’know? ‘Oh, so I was gonna do this.. but then I didn’t ’cause we’re not dating.’ I did tell him in the end, because he wanted me too.. and boy, he wasn’t pleased. I don’t know what about that moment it was, considering I’ve had the same tingly feeling before, but something about it just made me feel like I would do it. But, if it’s such a big deal for me to do even with a boyfriend, I’m not going to do it for someone whose not my boyfriend. Because it is a BIG deal for me.

This is going to sound.. totally, cliche and weird and stupid.. but I shed a SINGLE tear after. Now, I can’t say if it was from the fact that I was insanely happy after, if it was because it felt so good to be close to him again when I had missed it/him so much, or just simply because I know that continuing to do this is going to hurt me in the end and I feel so stupid and pathetic for continuing to hold onto the relationship that doesn’t even exist purely with sex, but I cried one tear. He didn’t notice, and I don’t even think he noticed my shaky voice (though that could have been seen as just part of my weird feelings after) but it was there.

This, in short.. was the sex I’ve been wanting for MONTHS. Where I felt so close to him, and just so good at the same time. Lately, most of our sex is in a cramped truck cab or a tiny back seat of a car, but it was in his Blazer with the seats pushed down and lots of room so it wasn’t so cramped. We got to just chill out and be naked after, and not worry about people seeing us because of the fail windows in his truck. I think the only way the sex would have been more perfect would have been if it was actually a relationship, and not some weird friends with benefits thing that may or may not be a good idea.

But holy mother, it was GOOD sex.

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