Whoops. So I realised I never filled Peyton in on this one.

I guess I went into my little bubble and had a cry and scream about the whole thing… but let’s do this reflection thing as I planned it. (I can’t believe I never posted about it, probably got too caught up in other shit happening.)

Jeremy and I came to the conclusion (well, I suppose he did) that kisses are overrated. And that was after we kissed. Yeah, I hear the voiceover coming from you now.

You kissed Jeremy? What the fuck did Wil think? What the fuck were you thinking?

Before we go off into a plan on slaughtering me: Can I just say that we kissed; simple as that. The fact that I responded to the kiss, just explains that fact itself, also hopefully clarifying that he was the one who went in for it. But let me go to said time and place and said incident of this one kiss. I suppose you could say it was a long kiss (not 12 centimetres, I mean in duration, geez), but how long it takes is a little beside the point. Not to mention, we all have our own perceptions of “long”, and once kissing Wil for 40 minutes was “long” to me. So… I don’t know.

For some time while my mother confiscated my laptop and in which I was just going through a really rough time at home, I often went to the bank before work or just browsed the shops. I had to ask my dad to drop me off early but he didn’t mind, nor did he get suspicious.

During that time I met up with Jeremy, because he just wanted to see if I was okay. Wil didn’t have the time to head down and see me, and after planned meetings with friends and shit, and my mother totally ruining them and making my life miserable, all I wanted was a friend to give me a hug. Jeremy was someone who was able to find the time to come and see me, and the only opportunity for that was by heading off to work early.

(Parents suck, FTR.)

Jeremy and I would just sit there in the park near my workplace, and talk, or just hug, and it just made me feel better, knowing that I had a friend who could cheer me up.

Several times, we’d kissed each other on the cheek upon farewell. I liked to think it was just a friendly gesture (well, since we are close friends), but sooner or later it happened: it went further.

The way Jeremy would like me to tell it probably goes a little something like this.

He was kissing my cheek a few times. It got pretty tempting to just kiss him. I knew it was wrong. I tried not to do it. But I felt really comforted by the feel of his arms around me.
I sort of blurted, “Why do you have to do that? Kissing me like that might as well be the equivalent of kissing me on the mouth.” (Lips? Whatever.)

It was a nasty statement to provoke him, knowing how much he wanted to actually kiss me, and how I often did myself, but also knowing that we were trying so hard. Trying really hard not to. So when he went in for my mouth I just kissed him back. I felt his lips on mine, and his arms around me, and the feel of his tongue before I realised — fuck.

It was an incident that made me cry and rip my hair out on several occasions, because, ultimately, I could not… I simply could not lie to Wil, and eventually, I told him. I freaking love him. He’s not the kind of guy to bash up other people for acts like this. He just… took it with a grain of salt, I guess? He simply disliked that Jeremy had the capacity of mind to perform such an action. He didn’t feel hatred for Jeremy, or want to murder him, or want to stab his heart with a pick axe. He didn’t slap me for telling him two months later, for hiding it from him and not telling him straight away, for kissing Jeremy back…

“Force of habit.”

I’m only… thankful… that that same force of habit doesn’t lead me to do the same thing again. I missed kissing Wil, and the thrill there was in kissing Jeremy – well, that was just wrong. I’m not doing it again. I slapped myself for this one. For fuck’s sake, Audrey. Make out with your pillow or something for the time being.

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My very first post addressed my concerns with Justin not being “in love” with me, but just “loving” me. That was about 2 months ago & since then, we have had a falling out of love situation. He fell out of love with me & I saw it coming, I just didn’t think that I wouldn’t be considered his future wife anymore. Justin claimed that he didn’t know what he felt, or how he felt about our future, he just knew that he loved me & he wanted to work things out. After our long talk–my eyes totally drained of any liquid in my body–he told me that he loved me more then. I didn’t understand why or how this all happened. Why me? What did I do? I’d still say, “I do,” but he’d say, “I don’t know…?” which kills me. How does one go from finding her soul mate to him having doubts about us?

This whole ordeal threw me into a deep state of depression. Whenever I was with Justin, things weren’t the same, things weren’t healing. I took every single joke to heart because I was so depressed that my sense of humor was completely shot. I hardly smiled around him & he always pointed out how sad I looked. He never at any point, asked me what he could do to cheer me up because he knew exactly what would (affection, love, kisses, “I love you”, etc), but he hesitated. He couldn’t say or do anything to make me feel better because he didn’t feel that way for me anymore.

Just a few days ago, I felt more miserable than ever. I cried all night & I just couldn’t stand it anymore so I called him to talk about our relationship. After two hours, I ended our phone call with, “I don’t want to have sex with you anymore, I can’t. It doesn’t feel right if I give myself to someone who doesn’t see me in their future. You used to tell me that you felt closer to me when we had sex, but now I feel that we just do it so you can get your rocks off. I’m going to guess that you’re not going to say anything to that, so I’ll talk to you later.” What’s sad is he just said, “okay,” & didn’t try to tell me that he wasn’t using me. I continued to cry my eyeballs out & wet my pillow with my salty tears.

The following day my tear ducts could not give me a break. I cried so much that I could’ve dug a hole in my backyard to create a pool. In my irrational & hurt state of mind, my judgment was clouded & I simply could not think clearly. That’s when Lana reminded me of the episode of Friends when Monica & Chandler talked about soul mates. Phoebe claimed she had found Monica’s soul mate which made Chandler nervous even though they were married. Monica calmed Chandler down by telling him, “I don’t think that you & I were destined to end up together. I think that we fell in love & work hard at our relationship. Some days we work really hard.” That gave me clarity & I humbly thanked Lana for reminding me of that episode.

This whole time Justin had been telling me that he didn’t think we were compatible because we bickered so often. I didn’t think we fought about anything, I just didn’t see it because our disagreements were so tiny that it didn’t affect the way I felt about him. Yet, I finally realized that he thought we weren’t perfect for each other anymore because we had disputes. When I went over to his house, I cried for about an hour in silence, & then we talked. I didn’t exactly tell him that I got this from Lana or Friends, but I used an example he understood: his grandparents. I talked to him about how couples bicker all the time, but that doesn’t mean that they’re not compatible. No relationship is perfect & during our little tiffs, he has never yelled at me nor pointed out my flaws; he has always been civil. My last “relationship” consisted of dirty fights with screaming matches & make-up make out sessions that never solved anything. When Justin & I have disagreements, however petty–such as my concern with him contaminating his food by using the same spoon he licked to scoop a condiment out on his sandwich–we have always been civil with each other. That is something I absolutely cherish about our relationship.

“Relationships take work & they’re not always easy. Just because we have arguments doesn’t mean we aren’t meant for each other,” I reminded him. We held each other for a bit & afterward, I laughed for the first time in a long time after he told me that the whole situation between us made his stomach upset. I quoted “Mean Girls” to him, “Gretchen, I’m sorry I laughed at you that time you got diarrhea at Barnes & Nobles. & I’m sorry for telling everyone about it. & I’m sorry for repeating it now.” Magically, I didn’t feel miserable anymore. I felt content. He looked at me & said he didn’t want me to feel like he was using me for sex so he was fine with us not engaging in any.

We watched one of his favorite movies while I massaged his back–the closest I felt we’ve been in a while. In the middle of the movie, he turned to me to give me a kiss on the cheek. It turned into a kiss on the lips which turned into making out, which turned into heavy making out…then the next thing I knew, my clothes were on the ground faster than I could say, “hold on,” & we were on his bed, naked. He repeated to me, “We don’t have to have sex if you don’t want to,” to which I asked him to tell me he loved me. I needed to hear it, I had to hear it. “I do love you, Jackie, I do. I really do love you,” & with tears streaming down my face, I pushed my will power aside, pushed my man down, & got on top. Several position changes later, when the deed was done, he laid on top of me & kissed me several times; a feat that had been quite rare before our “downfall”. We finished the movie with his head on a pillow rested over my lap.

I think that we are making progress. Hopefully he doesn’t let our silly disputes affect his feelings for me anymore. My mind is finally clear & the reason we got to where we did was because I became increasingly upset inside about him not appealing to my romantic side. I let it get to me so badly that I became depressed & it affected our relationship because I wanted what I knew he’d never give me. Big mistake, girls. Learn from mine & just appreciate what you have & what life gives you.

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