I just got back from hanging out with Derek. Yes, we are still broken up. No, he doesn’t want to get back together. Yet, somehow.. we still had sex. No, I don’t regret it.¹ I was debating on whether or not to actually post about this though, because I know that the rest of the girls (probably Jackie especially, considering she already offered a slap if we got back together) might not particularly think it’s a good idea. I’m not even sure if I think it was a good idea.

He was bored, because all he’s done lately is either stay home on facebook all day because of his rash, or work (today). So he came to hang out, but had to be home early as his mom was worried about him. He told his mom that he was gonna ‘talk’ to me, as she knows we’re broken up. Do I feel like this could lead to us getting back together, yes. In a perfect world. I made somewhat of a mental pros and cons list. It went a little like this:

Pros:
I get sex
I still get Derek, who I didn’t want to lose in the first place
I think it could make him realize that he made a mistake in thinking we should break up
It could possibly lead to us getting back together, which is what I hate to admit that I wouldn’t mind.
I get sex, and Derek.

Cons:
I most likely end up getting hurt.
Even in the event of a get back together, I still most likely end up getting hurt.
I’ll get attatched. What am I talking about, I still am attatched.
He sees it as, I get sex, so why do I need her to be my girlfriend?
I get false hope, thereby making me get hurt.

I kept it at five each. He just sent me a text, asking if we could “talk” again, and I said I’d have to wait and see if it’s a good idea or not. I don’t mind the sex. At all. I mean, it was just like when we used to have sex and it felt so good to be close to him again, but I know that for him.. it’s just sex. And I know it’s not just meaningless sex because I know that I mean SOMETHING to him, I’m just not ‘the girl for him’. And I do believe there’s a chance he’ll change his mind on that, but I also don’t think I should be waiting for that day. I told myself, and everyone else that I WOULDN’T wait for that day, even if I knew it would come.

I don’t think I’m going to tell my friends about this. One of them threatened me with a can of hairspray yesterday if I even HANG OUT WITH HIM, that it’s bad. And I know it is. I know there are much better things my time can be used for, like working on my future and working in general, and hanging out with my friends before everyone leaves for college. I feel like if I keep doing this, my head will just be saying it’s okay because then my heart still gets a bit of him. And my heart wants him back, but my head doesn’t. My head knows that it’s not smart, which is why I said my pants were staying on. But then he took them off, and then showed me the use of his long tongue with the trails, and I just.. I gave in. I didn’t WANT to give in, I wanted to be strong like last time.. but I just.. I missed the sex. I miss feeling that close to someone and for that while, it’s worth it… It’s worth it to have the happy feelings THEN, even if I get the bad feelings after.

Okay, it’s probably not worth it. Chances are in the end I’ll end up hating myself, and the only time I think it’ll be a good idea is when we’re actually having sex. But damnit, I missed sex. Is it bad to use that to maybe get back the person that I missed too? Actually, don’t even answer that question.. I already know the answer.

^{1. I don’t regret it, but I know it wasn’t the smartest idea I’ve ever had.}

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So, Derek and I broke up. It’s been a long time coming, but I kept trying to put it off and save the relationship that was doomed. I don’t even really know WHAT changed, because he wont tell me. All I know is that he stopped loving me and started hurting me, and eventually it got to the point where I couldn’t keep doing that to myself.

It hurts, and probably will for awhile. I’m tired of crying and being upset and trying not to cry. I want things to go back, but I know they won’t. I shouldn’t be talking to him at all, but I’ve been texting him a bit. I don’t want to lose the friendship, but at the same time it’ll just hurt that much more if I keep talking to him.

I don’t even know what to feel.. stupid, for letting myself believe that I could fix things. Hurt, for the messages/texts he was sending other girls before we were over. Confused, because things went from being so perfect to so.. not. Or happy, because now I’m free from him & can move on, because he’s shown that I deserve better.

I got upset yesterday when I was home alone, and I found a box downstairs so I threw all of his stuff in there. Literally, just ripped apart my room looking for the stuffed animals, boxers, sweaters and crap of his that I had. All the notes, CD’s, random papers and even a tin from when we first started dating. Then I texted him telling him to pick it up when he got home. (And, apparently a pair of my underwear somehow got into the box. I seriously have no idea how that happened, so I’ll have to be getting those back..awkward?)

We hung out for a bit when he did, and I had to try not to cry. We went back to my house so I could get it for him, and I just couldn’t hold it in. I can’t hold it in now, even though I keep telling myself I’m done crying over this (yeah, like that’ll happen..). So he hugged me, and I told him he should go even though I wanted nothing more for him to stay, and to say “No, we can fix this. I was wrong & I’m sorry and I want to fix this.”

This might sound bad, but I just wish I had someone new NOW so my mind wasn’t constantly thinking of him. Someone else who treats me how I deserve, and won’t just wake up and stop loving me. In the past, I’ve gone back to Derek before but I’m going to try my hardest not to this time. I’m done letting him hurt me, even if I’ll never be done loving him.

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