It’s been quite some time since the last Girl Code. Without further ado, here’s the second rule of the unwritten girl code written.

Honesty is the Best Policy

You know that you don’t want to be lied to, so why lie to your girls? Treat your friends with respect & the way you’d like to be treated. I once stumbled upon a Facebook group that proclaimed it had all of the rules to the “Girl Code”. Too bad it was a bunch of bullshit including lying to your friend about not liking her boyfriend. Why the hell would you do such a thing?

Look, if your girlfriend is with a guy who treats her like a dog & doesn’t respect her, tell her your honest opinion of him when she asks you for it. If you’re concerned that he abuses her, talk to her about it. If she doesn’t want to talk about it with you, but later down the line she gets hospitalized, it’s time to call the authorities. I think it’s safe to say that you’d rather see your friend well & alive & hate you for right now than to see her dead & regret you didn’t try to protect her.

Example 1

When you just realized that you have plans to go see this guy on the same day you’re supposed to have a movie night with your girls, what do you do?

a) Call the cutie up & tell him that you forgot you had prior plans, but would love to reschedule.
b) Call your girls up & tell them that you accidentally agreed to go out on a date with a cute guy the same day you girls planned to see a movie involving James Franco, Christian Bale, Hayden Christiansen, David Beckham, or George Clooney sans shirt.
c) Cancel on your girls & tell them that you’re sick.
d) Cancel on the cutie & tell him that you’re sick.
e) Flip a coin.

Your answers better be A &/or B. You shouldn’t lie to either party about your own mistake. Figure it out & if the cutie doesn’t understand that your friends are important to you, then he’s probably not the right choice anyway. Next!

Example 2

Your best friend is dating a total asshole who needs to get socked in the face multiple times until his jaw is fractured. You witness him putting down your friend while all of you are on a double date. The next day, she calls you to see what you thought of the date, what do you say?

a) “OMG IT WAS THE BEST DOUBLE DATE I’VE EVER BEEN ON IN MY LIFE!!!!!!”
b) “Honey, to be completely honest, I didn’t appreciate seeing your boyfriend put you down like that & I think you deserve better. I would’ve had more fun if he wasn’t there.”
c) “Your boyfriend is gorgeous, I hope the two of you end up making babies one day! I had so much fun!!”
d) “LOL R U SRS? HE’S SUCH A D-BAG, HOW CAN U D8 HIM?”
e) “The two of you bicker like an old married couple! Other than that, it was totally fun. Let’s do it again soon!”

The correct answer is B. In the first sentence, I stated that this guy is bad news for your friend. Don’t let this opportunity slip away or else you’ll be the bitch who lectures her friends out of nowhere. If you’re concerned about your friend’s happiness & mentality, don’t be silent about your opinion on a guy who clearly is not well suited for her. Let her know your concerns because you know her better than he does. Be honest with her, always. You know that you’d appreciate her point of view if you dated a manipulating son of a bitch & you just didn’t see it. Help her see what you see so that she may help you see what she sees.

Example 3

You saw your best friend’s boyfriend holding hands with another girl outside of a restaurant. You’re shocked to your core, but give him the benefit of the doubt–perhaps she’s his sister or cousin you don’t know about? What do you do?

a) Assess the situation by doing some field work. Do your proper research of whether or not this guy is playing your girl or if the girl you saw was just a relative. If it is an affair, present it to your girl when the time is right.
b) Ignore it. Not your guy, not your problem, & not your business.
c) Ask your friend if the two of them had any plans on that day you saw him. If she says no, ask her why not. If she says he canceled on her, ask her the reason why. If she can’t give you a “legit” reason, stalk his Facebook to find a picture of the girl you saw, & ask her if she knows who she is. If she doesn’t, tell her what you saw.
d) Text your friend’s guy & tell him that you spotted him on the day of the sighting. Ask him very nonchalantly what he was doing there & mention that it’s one of your favorite restaurants. Engage in small talk. See if you can get an answer from him.
e) All of the above except for B.

Did you pick B? Congratulations, you’re a shitty friend. If you were in her shoes, wouldn’t you want her to tell you if she’s seen your man cheating on you? Ignorance is not bliss in this case. What if the mistress of his is carrying a sexually transmitted infection or disease? Then your friend could get it too & you would be partly responsible for not warning her ahead of time. The correct answer is E. Doing nothing about something you see is equivalently as terrible as betraying her trust. If he really is cheating on your friend, you need to make sure you have all of the facts & warn her. Don’t do it the way Snooki & Jwoww did it on Jersey Shore via an anonymous letter, do it face-to-face, heart-to-heart. Honesty is the best policy.

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As Gretchen Weiners once put it, “it’s like the rules of Feminism!” & it really is. There’s a “Bro Code” that guys follow if they don’t want their asses handed to them, but for us girls, there is an unwritten girl code that we should abide by if we don’t want to be that whore/bitch everyone hates. So I’m going try to change that & write down our unwritten girl code. Similar to the “Bro Code”, our first code is simple & should be branded into each & every girl’s head.

Chicks Before Dicks

I’ve had bitches screw me over because they favor dicks over their own girlfriends. There is no reason you should backstab your girlfriend. Don’t be a bitch because you think you’re trying to eliminate the competition by snagging your girlfriend’s man. There are plenty of dicks for you to screw, don’t steal your girlfriend’s. There are 7 billion people on this planet; there is no need for you to act like you have to ensure your species’s survival.

If you’re one of those girls that hate girls, I’m with you. I understand why you hate girls & I’m almost positive that you have more guy friends than girlfriends & it’s either because you’re a stupid cunt or because your ex-girlfriends are stupid cunts. Take your pick! I hope it’s the latter because you need to see a therapist if you think it’s hilarious to screw over your girls all the time.

Example 1

When you find out that the guy you’ve been crushing on likes your girlfriend that also likes him & he has confided in you, what do you do?

a) Tell him that your friend has HPV.
b) Tell him that your friend has had a sex-change operation & still has a penis.
c) Tell him that you think your friend deserves the best & you won’t approve of the relationship if he’s going to play her or else you’ll hunt him down & chop off his balls.
d) Tell your girlfriend that the guy likes her, but he has stage 3 syphilis, & his penis is the size of a AA battery.
e) Don’t tell your girlfriend anything; she obviously doesn’t deserve this guy. He’s too awesome for her.

If you picked any answer that was not C, you need to be bitch slapped to the Arctic where you can hang out with materials your heart is made out of & then proceed to be mauled by polar bears.

Example 2

Your girl has broken up with/has been broken up a guy. He pretty much screwed her over in all ways possible & is the biggest scumbag you know. You would’ve never met this guy if you didn’t meet him through your girlfriend. You know that your girlfriend & her ex are not on speaking terms. For some reason, your girl’s ex has been talking to you lately & has asked you to hang out. What do you do?

a) What kind of question is that, Jackie? Why the hell would I be talking to my girlfriend’s ex in the first place? He’s dead to me. Why would I talk to a guy who screwed over my best friend?
b) Tell him to get raped by a horse & then tell your girl what he’s been doing.
c) Ignore him & block his number/screen name/e-mail/etc.
d) Tell him that he’s the most pathetic excuse of a human being you’ve ever met in your entire life & that his very existence makes you want to hurl him into a sinkhole. Then tell him to go fuck a goat.
e) Let him know when you’re free so the two of you can hang out & stuff.

Please get yourself injected with full blown AIDs if you chose E. This is your best friend, your girlfriend, & you decide to go behind her back & hang out with someone that hurt her? Why in the world would you do that? If you want to make this easy on yourself because you think her ex is a complete hunk– I don’t care if he looks like Zac Efron or Brad Pitt, if he screwed your sister from another mister over, he’s as ugly as the crap you took this morning in your toilet bowl–pretend that he murdered your sister in front of you. Why such excruciating imagery? Because he basically tossed your girlfriend’s heart into a blender & set it to liquify! How is that even a question?

Example 3

Your friend just dumped this really cute guy. You’ve totally been interested in him since day 1. He’s single, you’re single. What next?

a) Call him up & see if he needs a shoulder to kiss, I mean cry on.
b) Take your friend out for a girls’ night out.
c) Rape him.
d) Tell your girlfriend that you’ve always had a crush on her ex & you want to know if it’s okay if you can start seeing him right after she tells you on the phone that they broke up.
e) Ask your friend what went wrong in the relationship & be there for her if she’s feeling sad about the break-up.

I hope your answers were B & E. You should never date your best friend’s ex. Even if she says it’s okay, it’s probably not okay. Sure, I’ll give you the few instances & occurrences when it’s not a big deal, but over all, if this relationship was a long-term relationship & they exchanged, “I love you’s”, you need to forget about him & find a new guy to crush on. Every situation varies of course, but unless a significant amount of time (years) has passed, it is not okay to date your best friend’s ex. There’s a reason they didn’t work out. Always put your girlfriend first & any form of penis second.

Uphold the code because if you don’t, you’ll find yourself to be bridesmaids-less.

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