Justin & I have been separated for a few months shy from a year. I got over the relationship rather quickly especially after the absurd 2 week “break” that we took, which killed me every day. Every single day that I knew we were on a “break” made me cry miserably, but it surprisingly took me that same amount of time to get over the relationship. [Quick side note: breaks are incredibly stupid. If you need to go on a "break" with someone, just break-up with them, it is clear the relationship isn't working out. Either the two of you just aren't working anymore, or you've both forgotten what makes you happy that you've lost yourself.]

So, what happened with us? We took a major dip that I talked about, but then we also talked about it & rekindled what we had, or so I thought. Little did I know, Justin was “faking” it the entire time. When we broke up, he was clearly no longer the person I knew & fell in love with anymore. People change, it’s natural, but the person I was staring at with my eyes heavy with tears, was no longer someone I recognized. He had changed so much that I didn’t even know who he was anymore. He was rude, inconsiderate, cold, & selfish. I haven’t spoken to him since our break-up, but that was his choice since he promised that he’d keep in touch, but he didn’t. I don’t bother to contact him because I feel he doesn’t deserve the privilege to speak to me. It’s not much of a right, but what little of a right it is, it’s not something he deserves.

Since Justin, I’ve gone out so much that I at one point, landed myself someone–Tom–to have fun with on the weekends. I was casually seeing him & casually sleeping with him, but Tom is trying to play games with me by making me chase him. I know I’m pretty young, but I feel that I’m too damn old emotionally to be playing games. Does he want to get laid on a weekly basis or not? Last time I checked, he works way too much to go out looking for a girlfriend, so right now, I’m the next best thing & he’s said so himself. I’m not going to chase any guy I don’t see a future with, especially not him. So, I got over that & deleted his number from my phone to prevent drunk texting him. For someone of his age, you’d think that he’d be a little more mature, but he’s comparable to a Frat boy with money. That’s the last thing I need & I’d rather cut out the anxiety that brings me.

Now I’m back at square one: no guy (although there are some that are actively chasing me), enjoying the freedoms of being single & its lack of responsibilities, & exploring a whole new world that I never got to explore before. This year has been a bit of a roller coaster for me emotionally, but after my separation with Justin, I’ve been so happy with my life. I’m loving every minute of it & I’m in the best place & best age to be single.

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Derek and I don’t talk anymore. We were for a bit, but I haven’t texted him in a week and I’m just trying to move on with my life. Since I don’t talk to him, and I’m no longer having sex.. I decided to stop taking birth control because it was pointless for me to be spending money on it every month when I wasn’t using it. That, and the clinic is only open one day a week for four hours so it was hard for me to pick up another pack. I figured going off it would stop me from having sex with him too, because it’s riskier. Not that I’m talking to him but you know, given our history you never know.

Since going off it (actually, a little bit before too) I’ve been an emotional wreck. I cry at everything, stupid things, random songs, memories, etc. It sucks. I never had any problems while on the pill, and so far have had no problems going off it like some people said they have but I’m just so moody and emotional. Last night, I almost cried because my mom went to Wal-Mart without me. I started sobbing randomly last night, just out of no where. And 85% of the time, I just want to text Derek and tell him to make me feel better, but I don’t. And I can’t.

I’m being strong on the whole, don’t text him thing. I know that time (or another boy, heh) is the only thing that’s going to help me move on. Texting him isn’t going to, and I knew that ages ago but I never did it because I never really wanted it to be the end of us. And honestly, I still don’t. He was a shitty boyfriend and is a pretty shitty person in general now, but it’s so hard when I used to love him so much. But since he’s not him anymore, all I want is that old him back but I know that’s not possible. I’m being strong, and just crying myself to sleep versus texting him, sexing him, or anything of the sort. Yeah, so I want to cry at work when a certain song comes on or I want to cry when I’m n a freaking CAR WASH because of the memories of us going through those, with the windows leaking or spending the whole time making out.

It’s hard. It’ll be worth it in the end. Part of me still thinks (but tries not to hope) that one day, he’ll realize what an asshole he was, how good I was to him, and how we could have worked. But I can’t wait for him, and I can’t keep letting myself get hurt. So I’m done, and I will be so mad at myself if I try to text him.

But it still sucks, that he hasn’t tried to text me. I mean, I know that I went off on him about how much better I deserved and was a bitch, but he deserved that after everything he’s done. It sucks to feel like after all this time he doesn’t care, when I’m here crying over it day in & day out but. Idk, that’s life and that’s just one of the many reasons we aren’t together anymore, and why I’m better off without him.

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I need to cut him out of my life. I know that. I know in order for me to move on, and find what/who I deserve, I need to cut him out of my life.

And I want to do that so that I can move on, but I don’t want to do that because I’m scared. I’m scared that I won’t find someone else.. scared I’ll be lonely. And most of all, scared that soon he’ll realize what he lost and want me back, and that maybe I’ll give in. Or maybe I’m more scared that he is actually over it, and he would never want to get back together. Yeah, I think that scares me more..

Either way, I’m not giving him the option to REALIZE what he lost, because I’m still there. I still give him sex, and I still text him and talk to him all the time, and do everything we did when we were a couple minus saying I love you, kissing goodbye (he gets mad when I do that) and holding hands. And I know that that’s a big problem. I know it should be different. I want it to be different, but I want things to just go back to how they were.

My plan, at the moment.. is to cut him out of my life. To tell him tonight when (if) I see him, that I think he’s wrong about us, and I think that we could work out.. but that I’m not going to keep letting myself get hurt to try to prove that. I’m no longer going to try to convince him that we should be together, or try to prove myself to him. If he doesn’t want me, then that’s his loss.

That’s my plan… but I don’t know if I’ll actually be strong enough to do it. I’m not even strong enough to just type this, because I now have a giant lump in my throat and my eyes are starting to go fuzzy. Wish me luck? I’ll need it, if I even do see him tonight.

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I just got back from hanging out with Derek. Yes, we are still broken up. No, he doesn’t want to get back together. Yet, somehow.. we still had sex. No, I don’t regret it.¹ I was debating on whether or not to actually post about this though, because I know that the rest of the girls (probably Jackie especially, considering she already offered a slap if we got back together) might not particularly think it’s a good idea. I’m not even sure if I think it was a good idea.

He was bored, because all he’s done lately is either stay home on facebook all day because of his rash, or work (today). So he came to hang out, but had to be home early as his mom was worried about him. He told his mom that he was gonna ‘talk’ to me, as she knows we’re broken up. Do I feel like this could lead to us getting back together, yes. In a perfect world. I made somewhat of a mental pros and cons list. It went a little like this:

Pros:
I get sex
I still get Derek, who I didn’t want to lose in the first place
I think it could make him realize that he made a mistake in thinking we should break up
It could possibly lead to us getting back together, which is what I hate to admit that I wouldn’t mind.
I get sex, and Derek.

Cons:
I most likely end up getting hurt.
Even in the event of a get back together, I still most likely end up getting hurt.
I’ll get attatched. What am I talking about, I still am attatched.
He sees it as, I get sex, so why do I need her to be my girlfriend?
I get false hope, thereby making me get hurt.

I kept it at five each. He just sent me a text, asking if we could “talk” again, and I said I’d have to wait and see if it’s a good idea or not. I don’t mind the sex. At all. I mean, it was just like when we used to have sex and it felt so good to be close to him again, but I know that for him.. it’s just sex. And I know it’s not just meaningless sex because I know that I mean SOMETHING to him, I’m just not ‘the girl for him’. And I do believe there’s a chance he’ll change his mind on that, but I also don’t think I should be waiting for that day. I told myself, and everyone else that I WOULDN’T wait for that day, even if I knew it would come.

I don’t think I’m going to tell my friends about this. One of them threatened me with a can of hairspray yesterday if I even HANG OUT WITH HIM, that it’s bad. And I know it is. I know there are much better things my time can be used for, like working on my future and working in general, and hanging out with my friends before everyone leaves for college. I feel like if I keep doing this, my head will just be saying it’s okay because then my heart still gets a bit of him. And my heart wants him back, but my head doesn’t. My head knows that it’s not smart, which is why I said my pants were staying on. But then he took them off, and then showed me the use of his long tongue with the trails, and I just.. I gave in. I didn’t WANT to give in, I wanted to be strong like last time.. but I just.. I missed the sex. I miss feeling that close to someone and for that while, it’s worth it… It’s worth it to have the happy feelings THEN, even if I get the bad feelings after.

Okay, it’s probably not worth it. Chances are in the end I’ll end up hating myself, and the only time I think it’ll be a good idea is when we’re actually having sex. But damnit, I missed sex. Is it bad to use that to maybe get back the person that I missed too? Actually, don’t even answer that question.. I already know the answer.

^{1. I don’t regret it, but I know it wasn’t the smartest idea I’ve ever had.}

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So, Derek and I broke up. It’s been a long time coming, but I kept trying to put it off and save the relationship that was doomed. I don’t even really know WHAT changed, because he wont tell me. All I know is that he stopped loving me and started hurting me, and eventually it got to the point where I couldn’t keep doing that to myself.

It hurts, and probably will for awhile. I’m tired of crying and being upset and trying not to cry. I want things to go back, but I know they won’t. I shouldn’t be talking to him at all, but I’ve been texting him a bit. I don’t want to lose the friendship, but at the same time it’ll just hurt that much more if I keep talking to him.

I don’t even know what to feel.. stupid, for letting myself believe that I could fix things. Hurt, for the messages/texts he was sending other girls before we were over. Confused, because things went from being so perfect to so.. not. Or happy, because now I’m free from him & can move on, because he’s shown that I deserve better.

I got upset yesterday when I was home alone, and I found a box downstairs so I threw all of his stuff in there. Literally, just ripped apart my room looking for the stuffed animals, boxers, sweaters and crap of his that I had. All the notes, CD’s, random papers and even a tin from when we first started dating. Then I texted him telling him to pick it up when he got home. (And, apparently a pair of my underwear somehow got into the box. I seriously have no idea how that happened, so I’ll have to be getting those back..awkward?)

We hung out for a bit when he did, and I had to try not to cry. We went back to my house so I could get it for him, and I just couldn’t hold it in. I can’t hold it in now, even though I keep telling myself I’m done crying over this (yeah, like that’ll happen..). So he hugged me, and I told him he should go even though I wanted nothing more for him to stay, and to say “No, we can fix this. I was wrong & I’m sorry and I want to fix this.”

This might sound bad, but I just wish I had someone new NOW so my mind wasn’t constantly thinking of him. Someone else who treats me how I deserve, and won’t just wake up and stop loving me. In the past, I’ve gone back to Derek before but I’m going to try my hardest not to this time. I’m done letting him hurt me, even if I’ll never be done loving him.

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