As Gretchen Weiners once put it, “it’s like the rules of Feminism!” & it really is. There’s a “Bro Code” that guys follow if they don’t want their asses handed to them, but for us girls, there is an unwritten girl code that we should abide by if we don’t want to be that whore/bitch everyone hates. So I’m going try to change that & write down our unwritten girl code. Similar to the “Bro Code”, our first code is simple & should be branded into each & every girl’s head.
Chicks Before Dicks
I’ve had bitches screw me over because they favor dicks over their own girlfriends. There is no reason you should backstab your girlfriend. Don’t be a bitch because you think you’re trying to eliminate the competition by snagging your girlfriend’s man. There are plenty of dicks for you to screw, don’t steal your girlfriend’s. There are 7 billion people on this planet; there is no need for you to act like you have to ensure your species’s survival.
If you’re one of those girls that hate girls, I’m with you. I understand why you hate girls & I’m almost positive that you have more guy friends than girlfriends & it’s either because you’re a stupid cunt or because your ex-girlfriends are stupid cunts. Take your pick! I hope it’s the latter because you need to see a therapist if you think it’s hilarious to screw over your girls all the time.
Example 1
When you find out that the guy you’ve been crushing on likes your girlfriend that also likes him & he has confided in you, what do you do?
a) Tell him that your friend has HPV.
b) Tell him that your friend has had a sex-change operation & still has a penis.
c) Tell him that you think your friend deserves the best & you won’t approve of the relationship if he’s going to play her or else you’ll hunt him down & chop off his balls.
d) Tell your girlfriend that the guy likes her, but he has stage 3 syphilis, & his penis is the size of a AA battery.
e) Don’t tell your girlfriend anything; she obviously doesn’t deserve this guy. He’s too awesome for her.
If you picked any answer that was not C, you need to be bitch slapped to the Arctic where you can hang out with materials your heart is made out of & then proceed to be mauled by polar bears.
Example 2
Your girl has broken up with/has been broken up a guy. He pretty much screwed her over in all ways possible & is the biggest scumbag you know. You would’ve never met this guy if you didn’t meet him through your girlfriend. You know that your girlfriend & her ex are not on speaking terms. For some reason, your girl’s ex has been talking to you lately & has asked you to hang out. What do you do?
a) What kind of question is that, Jackie? Why the hell would I be talking to my girlfriend’s ex in the first place? He’s dead to me. Why would I talk to a guy who screwed over my best friend?
b) Tell him to get raped by a horse & then tell your girl what he’s been doing.
c) Ignore him & block his number/screen name/e-mail/etc.
d) Tell him that he’s the most pathetic excuse of a human being you’ve ever met in your entire life & that his very existence makes you want to hurl him into a sinkhole. Then tell him to go fuck a goat.
e) Let him know when you’re free so the two of you can hang out & stuff.
Please get yourself injected with full blown AIDs if you chose E. This is your best friend, your girlfriend, & you decide to go behind her back & hang out with someone that hurt her? Why in the world would you do that? If you want to make this easy on yourself because you think her ex is a complete hunk– I don’t care if he looks like Zac Efron or Brad Pitt, if he screwed your sister from another mister over, he’s as ugly as the crap you took this morning in your toilet bowl–pretend that he murdered your sister in front of you. Why such excruciating imagery? Because he basically tossed your girlfriend’s heart into a blender & set it to liquify! How is that even a question?
Example 3
Your friend just dumped this really cute guy. You’ve totally been interested in him since day 1. He’s single, you’re single. What next?
a) Call him up & see if he needs a shoulder to kiss, I mean cry on.
b) Take your friend out for a girls’ night out.
c) Rape him.
d) Tell your girlfriend that you’ve always had a crush on her ex & you want to know if it’s okay if you can start seeing him right after she tells you on the phone that they broke up.
e) Ask your friend what went wrong in the relationship & be there for her if she’s feeling sad about the break-up.
I hope your answers were B & E. You should never date your best friend’s ex. Even if she says it’s okay, it’s probably not okay. Sure, I’ll give you the few instances & occurrences when it’s not a big deal, but over all, if this relationship was a long-term relationship & they exchanged, “I love you’s”, you need to forget about him & find a new guy to crush on. Every situation varies of course, but unless a significant amount of time (years) has passed, it is not okay to date your best friend’s ex. There’s a reason they didn’t work out. Always put your girlfriend first & any form of penis second.
Uphold the code because if you don’t, you’ll find yourself to be bridesmaids-less.
