A lot has gone on since I last posted. I am still no longer with Derek, though we’re ‘friends’ (and he of course has the times when he tries for me) and after a seven month fling that just completely flopped, I can honestly say that I am happy being single. I am in no way wanting, or looking for, a relationship because I’ve realized how much fun you can have without one & at this moment for me, there’s just too much drama associated with one. I see my friend in a long term relationship, and she can’t even go out with her GIRL friends without her boyfriend freaking out at her and it causing a huge fight.

Last St. Patrick’s Day (2011) was the first time I ever did anything with someone other than Derek. Derek had been my first everything, and so it was a weird (but good) experience. That hook up turned into a seven month friends-with-benefits-esque thing, and I learned from that why you never fall for the guy that you hooked up with. Especially when you met him when you were drunk.

Since then, I’ve kind of…. let go of a few of my morals, per say. I am not the same person that I was a year or two ago and while I love who I am now, I can’t decide if I miss the way I used to think. I don’t go around just sleeping with any random guys now, I’m still not sure if I can do that outside of a relationship but I was never even the kind of girl to randomly make out with anyone before. Hell, it took me four months of dating Derek before we even kissed (though, I was 16 and shy and just… awkward). This St. Patrick’s day, it took me 3 shots and a vodka cranberry to be making out with a random guy who I can’t even remember what he looks like. We did exchange BBM pins, & he’s been messaging me & asked to hang out this coming weekend. While he seems like a nice (though 4 years older) guy, I can’t help but think that it’s not the best idea to continue to hang out with a hook up. Not that I’m assuming it would turn into anything, especially considering the fact that I don’t want it to became anything at all (my plan was to not talk to him at all after…).

Do you think a hook up can actually turn into something more when it was just a random guy you had never met? Do you think it should ever turn into that, or should it just be left as a one time thing where you move on & forget about it?

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Derek and I don’t talk anymore. We were for a bit, but I haven’t texted him in a week and I’m just trying to move on with my life. Since I don’t talk to him, and I’m no longer having sex.. I decided to stop taking birth control because it was pointless for me to be spending money on it every month when I wasn’t using it. That, and the clinic is only open one day a week for four hours so it was hard for me to pick up another pack. I figured going off it would stop me from having sex with him too, because it’s riskier. Not that I’m talking to him but you know, given our history you never know.

Since going off it (actually, a little bit before too) I’ve been an emotional wreck. I cry at everything, stupid things, random songs, memories, etc. It sucks. I never had any problems while on the pill, and so far have had no problems going off it like some people said they have but I’m just so moody and emotional. Last night, I almost cried because my mom went to Wal-Mart without me. I started sobbing randomly last night, just out of no where. And 85% of the time, I just want to text Derek and tell him to make me feel better, but I don’t. And I can’t.

I’m being strong on the whole, don’t text him thing. I know that time (or another boy, heh) is the only thing that’s going to help me move on. Texting him isn’t going to, and I knew that ages ago but I never did it because I never really wanted it to be the end of us. And honestly, I still don’t. He was a shitty boyfriend and is a pretty shitty person in general now, but it’s so hard when I used to love him so much. But since he’s not him anymore, all I want is that old him back but I know that’s not possible. I’m being strong, and just crying myself to sleep versus texting him, sexing him, or anything of the sort. Yeah, so I want to cry at work when a certain song comes on or I want to cry when I’m n a freaking CAR WASH because of the memories of us going through those, with the windows leaking or spending the whole time making out.

It’s hard. It’ll be worth it in the end. Part of me still thinks (but tries not to hope) that one day, he’ll realize what an asshole he was, how good I was to him, and how we could have worked. But I can’t wait for him, and I can’t keep letting myself get hurt. So I’m done, and I will be so mad at myself if I try to text him.

But it still sucks, that he hasn’t tried to text me. I mean, I know that I went off on him about how much better I deserved and was a bitch, but he deserved that after everything he’s done. It sucks to feel like after all this time he doesn’t care, when I’m here crying over it day in & day out but. Idk, that’s life and that’s just one of the many reasons we aren’t together anymore, and why I’m better off without him.

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Right after I last posted, Derek and I had a huge fight. He was a giant asshole, telling me things like he used me for sex, was never happy in our relationship, etc. He deleted me off of facebook, and for a week we didn’t talk until he out of the blue texted me. He eventually gave a shitty apologize, and swore that he had changed back into a somewhat different version of the one I once knew, and that I’d be blown away.

And for awhile, I was. He seemed so different, with his sweet words and him wanting us to work out. He seemed so sweet when we’d just spend all night hugging, sometimes kissing, and holding me tight when I would start crying. I truly started to believe he changed, but I’m starting to realize that it’s not the case at all.

I can feel the asshole version of him slipping through, and I can hear myself yelling at me telling me to just STOP bothering wit him. That he doesn’t deserve to be in my life, and he’s just not worth it. Yet, I continue to hang out with him. It’s a battle to NOT text him, after he got mad at me when he had no right to; because he got mad at me for not doing something that he wouldn’t do. He got mad at me for being nice to him, after he was pissy at me. And he made another snide comment, about how he thinks I can be a bitch. The other day, it was how I am sly and kniving.

God fucking hell, why did I ever give him that last chance? Why do I still want to text him now? Why did I fall in love with someone who turned out to be such a fucking asshole? Why will I end up giving him yet another chance, when he hasn’t deserved any of the ones lately?

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It’s been awhile since I’ve posted, and I think a lot has happened since then in terms of my relationship with Derek.

Just recently, I realized something. We’ve still kept up with our ex-sex, and I think I’m just finally realizing now why I do it (other than the fact that I like sex). I no longer love him, because he is no longer the same person he used to be.

To come to this conclusion, well it kind of sucks. He’s changed a lot in the last few months, even before we broke up… and it’s to the point where.. I don’t even really recognize the person he is anymore. Because he’s not the same, at all. I think why I chose to continue on with the sex was because I was hoping that maybe somehow, he would go back to being the old him – maybe when he was done school, or moved back home or just randomly one day, and then the old him, the one that loved me.. would come back & we could be happy again. Because I still love that old version, but I can’t say that I love him because he’s a totally different person. I can barely even say I like the new version of him.

I don’t know why it’s hitting me so hard to realize this, but maybe because I finally realize that he’s not going to change back & I can’t keep hoping for that. It’s like Kate Voegele says I guess,I’ve seen your act & I know all the facts / I’m still in love with who I wish you were / It ain’t hard to see who you are underneath / and I’m still in love with who I wish you were / I wish you were here.

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I need to cut him out of my life. I know that. I know in order for me to move on, and find what/who I deserve, I need to cut him out of my life.

And I want to do that so that I can move on, but I don’t want to do that because I’m scared. I’m scared that I won’t find someone else.. scared I’ll be lonely. And most of all, scared that soon he’ll realize what he lost and want me back, and that maybe I’ll give in. Or maybe I’m more scared that he is actually over it, and he would never want to get back together. Yeah, I think that scares me more..

Either way, I’m not giving him the option to REALIZE what he lost, because I’m still there. I still give him sex, and I still text him and talk to him all the time, and do everything we did when we were a couple minus saying I love you, kissing goodbye (he gets mad when I do that) and holding hands. And I know that that’s a big problem. I know it should be different. I want it to be different, but I want things to just go back to how they were.

My plan, at the moment.. is to cut him out of my life. To tell him tonight when (if) I see him, that I think he’s wrong about us, and I think that we could work out.. but that I’m not going to keep letting myself get hurt to try to prove that. I’m no longer going to try to convince him that we should be together, or try to prove myself to him. If he doesn’t want me, then that’s his loss.

That’s my plan… but I don’t know if I’ll actually be strong enough to do it. I’m not even strong enough to just type this, because I now have a giant lump in my throat and my eyes are starting to go fuzzy. Wish me luck? I’ll need it, if I even do see him tonight.

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