Derek and I don’t talk anymore. We were for a bit, but I haven’t texted him in a week and I’m just trying to move on with my life. Since I don’t talk to him, and I’m no longer having sex.. I decided to stop taking birth control because it was pointless for me to be spending money on it every month when I wasn’t using it. That, and the clinic is only open one day a week for four hours so it was hard for me to pick up another pack. I figured going off it would stop me from having sex with him too, because it’s riskier. Not that I’m talking to him but you know, given our history you never know.

Since going off it (actually, a little bit before too) I’ve been an emotional wreck. I cry at everything, stupid things, random songs, memories, etc. It sucks. I never had any problems while on the pill, and so far have had no problems going off it like some people said they have but I’m just so moody and emotional. Last night, I almost cried because my mom went to Wal-Mart without me. I started sobbing randomly last night, just out of no where. And 85% of the time, I just want to text Derek and tell him to make me feel better, but I don’t. And I can’t.

I’m being strong on the whole, don’t text him thing. I know that time (or another boy, heh) is the only thing that’s going to help me move on. Texting him isn’t going to, and I knew that ages ago but I never did it because I never really wanted it to be the end of us. And honestly, I still don’t. He was a shitty boyfriend and is a pretty shitty person in general now, but it’s so hard when I used to love him so much. But since he’s not him anymore, all I want is that old him back but I know that’s not possible. I’m being strong, and just crying myself to sleep versus texting him, sexing him, or anything of the sort. Yeah, so I want to cry at work when a certain song comes on or I want to cry when I’m n a freaking CAR WASH because of the memories of us going through those, with the windows leaking or spending the whole time making out.

It’s hard. It’ll be worth it in the end. Part of me still thinks (but tries not to hope) that one day, he’ll realize what an asshole he was, how good I was to him, and how we could have worked. But I can’t wait for him, and I can’t keep letting myself get hurt. So I’m done, and I will be so mad at myself if I try to text him.

But it still sucks, that he hasn’t tried to text me. I mean, I know that I went off on him about how much better I deserved and was a bitch, but he deserved that after everything he’s done. It sucks to feel like after all this time he doesn’t care, when I’m here crying over it day in & day out but. Idk, that’s life and that’s just one of the many reasons we aren’t together anymore, and why I’m better off without him.

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Right after I last posted, Derek and I had a huge fight. He was a giant asshole, telling me things like he used me for sex, was never happy in our relationship, etc. He deleted me off of facebook, and for a week we didn’t talk until he out of the blue texted me. He eventually gave a shitty apologize, and swore that he had changed back into a somewhat different version of the one I once knew, and that I’d be blown away.

And for awhile, I was. He seemed so different, with his sweet words and him wanting us to work out. He seemed so sweet when we’d just spend all night hugging, sometimes kissing, and holding me tight when I would start crying. I truly started to believe he changed, but I’m starting to realize that it’s not the case at all.

I can feel the asshole version of him slipping through, and I can hear myself yelling at me telling me to just STOP bothering wit him. That he doesn’t deserve to be in my life, and he’s just not worth it. Yet, I continue to hang out with him. It’s a battle to NOT text him, after he got mad at me when he had no right to; because he got mad at me for not doing something that he wouldn’t do. He got mad at me for being nice to him, after he was pissy at me. And he made another snide comment, about how he thinks I can be a bitch. The other day, it was how I am sly and kniving.

God fucking hell, why did I ever give him that last chance? Why do I still want to text him now? Why did I fall in love with someone who turned out to be such a fucking asshole? Why will I end up giving him yet another chance, when he hasn’t deserved any of the ones lately?

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It’s been awhile since I’ve posted, and I think a lot has happened since then in terms of my relationship with Derek.

Just recently, I realized something. We’ve still kept up with our ex-sex, and I think I’m just finally realizing now why I do it (other than the fact that I like sex). I no longer love him, because he is no longer the same person he used to be.

To come to this conclusion, well it kind of sucks. He’s changed a lot in the last few months, even before we broke up… and it’s to the point where.. I don’t even really recognize the person he is anymore. Because he’s not the same, at all. I think why I chose to continue on with the sex was because I was hoping that maybe somehow, he would go back to being the old him – maybe when he was done school, or moved back home or just randomly one day, and then the old him, the one that loved me.. would come back & we could be happy again. Because I still love that old version, but I can’t say that I love him because he’s a totally different person. I can barely even say I like the new version of him.

I don’t know why it’s hitting me so hard to realize this, but maybe because I finally realize that he’s not going to change back & I can’t keep hoping for that. It’s like Kate Voegele says I guess,I’ve seen your act & I know all the facts / I’m still in love with who I wish you were / It ain’t hard to see who you are underneath / and I’m still in love with who I wish you were / I wish you were here.

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I need to cut him out of my life. I know that. I know in order for me to move on, and find what/who I deserve, I need to cut him out of my life.

And I want to do that so that I can move on, but I don’t want to do that because I’m scared. I’m scared that I won’t find someone else.. scared I’ll be lonely. And most of all, scared that soon he’ll realize what he lost and want me back, and that maybe I’ll give in. Or maybe I’m more scared that he is actually over it, and he would never want to get back together. Yeah, I think that scares me more..

Either way, I’m not giving him the option to REALIZE what he lost, because I’m still there. I still give him sex, and I still text him and talk to him all the time, and do everything we did when we were a couple minus saying I love you, kissing goodbye (he gets mad when I do that) and holding hands. And I know that that’s a big problem. I know it should be different. I want it to be different, but I want things to just go back to how they were.

My plan, at the moment.. is to cut him out of my life. To tell him tonight when (if) I see him, that I think he’s wrong about us, and I think that we could work out.. but that I’m not going to keep letting myself get hurt to try to prove that. I’m no longer going to try to convince him that we should be together, or try to prove myself to him. If he doesn’t want me, then that’s his loss.

That’s my plan… but I don’t know if I’ll actually be strong enough to do it. I’m not even strong enough to just type this, because I now have a giant lump in my throat and my eyes are starting to go fuzzy. Wish me luck? I’ll need it, if I even do see him tonight.

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I just had… mind blowing sex. Like.. really, really, reeeeaaaally good sex. I literally couldn’t feel my teeth after (is that weird?) and my fingers were all tingly, and I just felt.. drunk. And reeeeeally good. I couldn’t see straight, and I could barely sit up without my head just.. spinning. I think it was a mix of the intensity of pleasure, pain from doing it twice and a bit of the closeness factor.

I don’t give blowjobs. I find the thought of it gross and it’s never EVER something that I have ever wanted to do, nor feel the need to do. Tonight though? I actually felt like doing it. 99% chance, if Derek and I were dating.. I would have done it. And as the girls know, that is a HUGE thing for me to say. I wasn’t going to tell Derek that, because I figured.. it’s kind of like a tease, y’know? ‘Oh, so I was gonna do this.. but then I didn’t ’cause we’re not dating.’ I did tell him in the end, because he wanted me too.. and boy, he wasn’t pleased. I don’t know what about that moment it was, considering I’ve had the same tingly feeling before, but something about it just made me feel like I would do it. But, if it’s such a big deal for me to do even with a boyfriend, I’m not going to do it for someone whose not my boyfriend. Because it is a BIG deal for me.

This is going to sound.. totally, cliche and weird and stupid.. but I shed a SINGLE tear after. Now, I can’t say if it was from the fact that I was insanely happy after, if it was because it felt so good to be close to him again when I had missed it/him so much, or just simply because I know that continuing to do this is going to hurt me in the end and I feel so stupid and pathetic for continuing to hold onto the relationship that doesn’t even exist purely with sex, but I cried one tear. He didn’t notice, and I don’t even think he noticed my shaky voice (though that could have been seen as just part of my weird feelings after) but it was there.

This, in short.. was the sex I’ve been wanting for MONTHS. Where I felt so close to him, and just so good at the same time. Lately, most of our sex is in a cramped truck cab or a tiny back seat of a car, but it was in his Blazer with the seats pushed down and lots of room so it wasn’t so cramped. We got to just chill out and be naked after, and not worry about people seeing us because of the fail windows in his truck. I think the only way the sex would have been more perfect would have been if it was actually a relationship, and not some weird friends with benefits thing that may or may not be a good idea.

But holy mother, it was GOOD sex.

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