Justin & I have been separated for a few months shy from a year. I got over the relationship rather quickly especially after the absurd 2 week “break” that we took, which killed me every day. Every single day that I knew we were on a “break” made me cry miserably, but it surprisingly took me that same amount of time to get over the relationship. [Quick side note: breaks are incredibly stupid. If you need to go on a "break" with someone, just break-up with them, it is clear the relationship isn't working out. Either the two of you just aren't working anymore, or you've both forgotten what makes you happy that you've lost yourself.]

So, what happened with us? We took a major dip that I talked about, but then we also talked about it & rekindled what we had, or so I thought. Little did I know, Justin was “faking” it the entire time. When we broke up, he was clearly no longer the person I knew & fell in love with anymore. People change, it’s natural, but the person I was staring at with my eyes heavy with tears, was no longer someone I recognized. He had changed so much that I didn’t even know who he was anymore. He was rude, inconsiderate, cold, & selfish. I haven’t spoken to him since our break-up, but that was his choice since he promised that he’d keep in touch, but he didn’t. I don’t bother to contact him because I feel he doesn’t deserve the privilege to speak to me. It’s not much of a right, but what little of a right it is, it’s not something he deserves.

Since Justin, I’ve gone out so much that I at one point, landed myself someone–Tom–to have fun with on the weekends. I was casually seeing him & casually sleeping with him, but Tom is trying to play games with me by making me chase him. I know I’m pretty young, but I feel that I’m too damn old emotionally to be playing games. Does he want to get laid on a weekly basis or not? Last time I checked, he works way too much to go out looking for a girlfriend, so right now, I’m the next best thing & he’s said so himself. I’m not going to chase any guy I don’t see a future with, especially not him. So, I got over that & deleted his number from my phone to prevent drunk texting him. For someone of his age, you’d think that he’d be a little more mature, but he’s comparable to a Frat boy with money. That’s the last thing I need & I’d rather cut out the anxiety that brings me.

Now I’m back at square one: no guy (although there are some that are actively chasing me), enjoying the freedoms of being single & its lack of responsibilities, & exploring a whole new world that I never got to explore before. This year has been a bit of a roller coaster for me emotionally, but after my separation with Justin, I’ve been so happy with my life. I’m loving every minute of it & I’m in the best place & best age to be single.

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I need to cut him out of my life. I know that. I know in order for me to move on, and find what/who I deserve, I need to cut him out of my life.

And I want to do that so that I can move on, but I don’t want to do that because I’m scared. I’m scared that I won’t find someone else.. scared I’ll be lonely. And most of all, scared that soon he’ll realize what he lost and want me back, and that maybe I’ll give in. Or maybe I’m more scared that he is actually over it, and he would never want to get back together. Yeah, I think that scares me more..

Either way, I’m not giving him the option to REALIZE what he lost, because I’m still there. I still give him sex, and I still text him and talk to him all the time, and do everything we did when we were a couple minus saying I love you, kissing goodbye (he gets mad when I do that) and holding hands. And I know that that’s a big problem. I know it should be different. I want it to be different, but I want things to just go back to how they were.

My plan, at the moment.. is to cut him out of my life. To tell him tonight when (if) I see him, that I think he’s wrong about us, and I think that we could work out.. but that I’m not going to keep letting myself get hurt to try to prove that. I’m no longer going to try to convince him that we should be together, or try to prove myself to him. If he doesn’t want me, then that’s his loss.

That’s my plan… but I don’t know if I’ll actually be strong enough to do it. I’m not even strong enough to just type this, because I now have a giant lump in my throat and my eyes are starting to go fuzzy. Wish me luck? I’ll need it, if I even do see him tonight.

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I just had… mind blowing sex. Like.. really, really, reeeeaaaally good sex. I literally couldn’t feel my teeth after (is that weird?) and my fingers were all tingly, and I just felt.. drunk. And reeeeeally good. I couldn’t see straight, and I could barely sit up without my head just.. spinning. I think it was a mix of the intensity of pleasure, pain from doing it twice and a bit of the closeness factor.

I don’t give blowjobs. I find the thought of it gross and it’s never EVER something that I have ever wanted to do, nor feel the need to do. Tonight though? I actually felt like doing it. 99% chance, if Derek and I were dating.. I would have done it. And as the girls know, that is a HUGE thing for me to say. I wasn’t going to tell Derek that, because I figured.. it’s kind of like a tease, y’know? ‘Oh, so I was gonna do this.. but then I didn’t ’cause we’re not dating.’ I did tell him in the end, because he wanted me too.. and boy, he wasn’t pleased. I don’t know what about that moment it was, considering I’ve had the same tingly feeling before, but something about it just made me feel like I would do it. But, if it’s such a big deal for me to do even with a boyfriend, I’m not going to do it for someone whose not my boyfriend. Because it is a BIG deal for me.

This is going to sound.. totally, cliche and weird and stupid.. but I shed a SINGLE tear after. Now, I can’t say if it was from the fact that I was insanely happy after, if it was because it felt so good to be close to him again when I had missed it/him so much, or just simply because I know that continuing to do this is going to hurt me in the end and I feel so stupid and pathetic for continuing to hold onto the relationship that doesn’t even exist purely with sex, but I cried one tear. He didn’t notice, and I don’t even think he noticed my shaky voice (though that could have been seen as just part of my weird feelings after) but it was there.

This, in short.. was the sex I’ve been wanting for MONTHS. Where I felt so close to him, and just so good at the same time. Lately, most of our sex is in a cramped truck cab or a tiny back seat of a car, but it was in his Blazer with the seats pushed down and lots of room so it wasn’t so cramped. We got to just chill out and be naked after, and not worry about people seeing us because of the fail windows in his truck. I think the only way the sex would have been more perfect would have been if it was actually a relationship, and not some weird friends with benefits thing that may or may not be a good idea.

But holy mother, it was GOOD sex.

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I just got back from hanging out with Derek. Yes, we are still broken up. No, he doesn’t want to get back together. Yet, somehow.. we still had sex. No, I don’t regret it.¹ I was debating on whether or not to actually post about this though, because I know that the rest of the girls (probably Jackie especially, considering she already offered a slap if we got back together) might not particularly think it’s a good idea. I’m not even sure if I think it was a good idea.

He was bored, because all he’s done lately is either stay home on facebook all day because of his rash, or work (today). So he came to hang out, but had to be home early as his mom was worried about him. He told his mom that he was gonna ‘talk’ to me, as she knows we’re broken up. Do I feel like this could lead to us getting back together, yes. In a perfect world. I made somewhat of a mental pros and cons list. It went a little like this:

Pros:
I get sex
I still get Derek, who I didn’t want to lose in the first place
I think it could make him realize that he made a mistake in thinking we should break up
It could possibly lead to us getting back together, which is what I hate to admit that I wouldn’t mind.
I get sex, and Derek.

Cons:
I most likely end up getting hurt.
Even in the event of a get back together, I still most likely end up getting hurt.
I’ll get attatched. What am I talking about, I still am attatched.
He sees it as, I get sex, so why do I need her to be my girlfriend?
I get false hope, thereby making me get hurt.

I kept it at five each. He just sent me a text, asking if we could “talk” again, and I said I’d have to wait and see if it’s a good idea or not. I don’t mind the sex. At all. I mean, it was just like when we used to have sex and it felt so good to be close to him again, but I know that for him.. it’s just sex. And I know it’s not just meaningless sex because I know that I mean SOMETHING to him, I’m just not ‘the girl for him’. And I do believe there’s a chance he’ll change his mind on that, but I also don’t think I should be waiting for that day. I told myself, and everyone else that I WOULDN’T wait for that day, even if I knew it would come.

I don’t think I’m going to tell my friends about this. One of them threatened me with a can of hairspray yesterday if I even HANG OUT WITH HIM, that it’s bad. And I know it is. I know there are much better things my time can be used for, like working on my future and working in general, and hanging out with my friends before everyone leaves for college. I feel like if I keep doing this, my head will just be saying it’s okay because then my heart still gets a bit of him. And my heart wants him back, but my head doesn’t. My head knows that it’s not smart, which is why I said my pants were staying on. But then he took them off, and then showed me the use of his long tongue with the trails, and I just.. I gave in. I didn’t WANT to give in, I wanted to be strong like last time.. but I just.. I missed the sex. I miss feeling that close to someone and for that while, it’s worth it… It’s worth it to have the happy feelings THEN, even if I get the bad feelings after.

Okay, it’s probably not worth it. Chances are in the end I’ll end up hating myself, and the only time I think it’ll be a good idea is when we’re actually having sex. But damnit, I missed sex. Is it bad to use that to maybe get back the person that I missed too? Actually, don’t even answer that question.. I already know the answer.

^{1. I don’t regret it, but I know it wasn’t the smartest idea I’ve ever had.}

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So, Derek and I broke up. It’s been a long time coming, but I kept trying to put it off and save the relationship that was doomed. I don’t even really know WHAT changed, because he wont tell me. All I know is that he stopped loving me and started hurting me, and eventually it got to the point where I couldn’t keep doing that to myself.

It hurts, and probably will for awhile. I’m tired of crying and being upset and trying not to cry. I want things to go back, but I know they won’t. I shouldn’t be talking to him at all, but I’ve been texting him a bit. I don’t want to lose the friendship, but at the same time it’ll just hurt that much more if I keep talking to him.

I don’t even know what to feel.. stupid, for letting myself believe that I could fix things. Hurt, for the messages/texts he was sending other girls before we were over. Confused, because things went from being so perfect to so.. not. Or happy, because now I’m free from him & can move on, because he’s shown that I deserve better.

I got upset yesterday when I was home alone, and I found a box downstairs so I threw all of his stuff in there. Literally, just ripped apart my room looking for the stuffed animals, boxers, sweaters and crap of his that I had. All the notes, CD’s, random papers and even a tin from when we first started dating. Then I texted him telling him to pick it up when he got home. (And, apparently a pair of my underwear somehow got into the box. I seriously have no idea how that happened, so I’ll have to be getting those back..awkward?)

We hung out for a bit when he did, and I had to try not to cry. We went back to my house so I could get it for him, and I just couldn’t hold it in. I can’t hold it in now, even though I keep telling myself I’m done crying over this (yeah, like that’ll happen..). So he hugged me, and I told him he should go even though I wanted nothing more for him to stay, and to say “No, we can fix this. I was wrong & I’m sorry and I want to fix this.”

This might sound bad, but I just wish I had someone new NOW so my mind wasn’t constantly thinking of him. Someone else who treats me how I deserve, and won’t just wake up and stop loving me. In the past, I’ve gone back to Derek before but I’m going to try my hardest not to this time. I’m done letting him hurt me, even if I’ll never be done loving him.

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