My very first post addressed my concerns with Justin not being “in love” with me, but just “loving” me. That was about 2 months ago & since then, we have had a falling out of love situation. He fell out of love with me & I saw it coming, I just didn’t think that I wouldn’t be considered his future wife anymore. Justin claimed that he didn’t know what he felt, or how he felt about our future, he just knew that he loved me & he wanted to work things out. After our long talk–my eyes totally drained of any liquid in my body–he told me that he loved me more then. I didn’t understand why or how this all happened. Why me? What did I do? I’d still say, “I do,” but he’d say, “I don’t know…?” which kills me. How does one go from finding her soul mate to him having doubts about us?

This whole ordeal threw me into a deep state of depression. Whenever I was with Justin, things weren’t the same, things weren’t healing. I took every single joke to heart because I was so depressed that my sense of humor was completely shot. I hardly smiled around him & he always pointed out how sad I looked. He never at any point, asked me what he could do to cheer me up because he knew exactly what would (affection, love, kisses, “I love you”, etc), but he hesitated. He couldn’t say or do anything to make me feel better because he didn’t feel that way for me anymore.

Just a few days ago, I felt more miserable than ever. I cried all night & I just couldn’t stand it anymore so I called him to talk about our relationship. After two hours, I ended our phone call with, “I don’t want to have sex with you anymore, I can’t. It doesn’t feel right if I give myself to someone who doesn’t see me in their future. You used to tell me that you felt closer to me when we had sex, but now I feel that we just do it so you can get your rocks off. I’m going to guess that you’re not going to say anything to that, so I’ll talk to you later.” What’s sad is he just said, “okay,” & didn’t try to tell me that he wasn’t using me. I continued to cry my eyeballs out & wet my pillow with my salty tears.

The following day my tear ducts could not give me a break. I cried so much that I could’ve dug a hole in my backyard to create a pool. In my irrational & hurt state of mind, my judgment was clouded & I simply could not think clearly. That’s when Lana reminded me of the episode of Friends when Monica & Chandler talked about soul mates. Phoebe claimed she had found Monica’s soul mate which made Chandler nervous even though they were married. Monica calmed Chandler down by telling him, “I don’t think that you & I were destined to end up together. I think that we fell in love & work hard at our relationship. Some days we work really hard.” That gave me clarity & I humbly thanked Lana for reminding me of that episode.

This whole time Justin had been telling me that he didn’t think we were compatible because we bickered so often. I didn’t think we fought about anything, I just didn’t see it because our disagreements were so tiny that it didn’t affect the way I felt about him. Yet, I finally realized that he thought we weren’t perfect for each other anymore because we had disputes. When I went over to his house, I cried for about an hour in silence, & then we talked. I didn’t exactly tell him that I got this from Lana or Friends, but I used an example he understood: his grandparents. I talked to him about how couples bicker all the time, but that doesn’t mean that they’re not compatible. No relationship is perfect & during our little tiffs, he has never yelled at me nor pointed out my flaws; he has always been civil. My last “relationship” consisted of dirty fights with screaming matches & make-up make out sessions that never solved anything. When Justin & I have disagreements, however petty–such as my concern with him contaminating his food by using the same spoon he licked to scoop a condiment out on his sandwich–we have always been civil with each other. That is something I absolutely cherish about our relationship.

“Relationships take work & they’re not always easy. Just because we have arguments doesn’t mean we aren’t meant for each other,” I reminded him. We held each other for a bit & afterward, I laughed for the first time in a long time after he told me that the whole situation between us made his stomach upset. I quoted “Mean Girls” to him, “Gretchen, I’m sorry I laughed at you that time you got diarrhea at Barnes & Nobles. & I’m sorry for telling everyone about it. & I’m sorry for repeating it now.” Magically, I didn’t feel miserable anymore. I felt content. He looked at me & said he didn’t want me to feel like he was using me for sex so he was fine with us not engaging in any.

We watched one of his favorite movies while I massaged his back–the closest I felt we’ve been in a while. In the middle of the movie, he turned to me to give me a kiss on the cheek. It turned into a kiss on the lips which turned into making out, which turned into heavy making out…then the next thing I knew, my clothes were on the ground faster than I could say, “hold on,” & we were on his bed, naked. He repeated to me, “We don’t have to have sex if you don’t want to,” to which I asked him to tell me he loved me. I needed to hear it, I had to hear it. “I do love you, Jackie, I do. I really do love you,” & with tears streaming down my face, I pushed my will power aside, pushed my man down, & got on top. Several position changes later, when the deed was done, he laid on top of me & kissed me several times; a feat that had been quite rare before our “downfall”. We finished the movie with his head on a pillow rested over my lap.

I think that we are making progress. Hopefully he doesn’t let our silly disputes affect his feelings for me anymore. My mind is finally clear & the reason we got to where we did was because I became increasingly upset inside about him not appealing to my romantic side. I let it get to me so badly that I became depressed & it affected our relationship because I wanted what I knew he’d never give me. Big mistake, girls. Learn from mine & just appreciate what you have & what life gives you.

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Jeremy and I had a fight yesterday. Ugh. I filled Lana in on this. I met him in the mornings like I usually do. I didn’t take my laptop because I wanted less strain on my back and I figured I wouldn’t need my laptop much during the day anyway, due to other plans and not really needing it in class (it’s funny that my mum suspected me of not going to class because I didn’t bring my laptop, heh).

I hopped on the computer when I got to university. I mean, after chatting with Jeremy a bit, and reading his Scott Pilgrim comic. When Leroy came, I said, “Hey, Leroy’s here.”

“I know,” he said, a bit bluntly. I didn’t suspect anything was up. After I checked my email and websites before class started, I also talked to Leroy, but Jeremy was engrossed in watching something on his iPhone with his earphones in. When I came across a video on the computer of a cute cat and bird walking together, I thought he might like it. I got Leroy to tap him on the shoulder.

Jeremy took out his earphones, looked up, sort of scoffed, and then just went back to what he was doing. I scoffed back and said that he didn’t even give the video a chance. Maybe I sounded a bit mad.

Jeremy said he was going to the lecture room and he’d see us inside. Once inside, the expression on his face told me something was up, so I asked if he was okay.

“Not really,” he said coldly.
“Are you… mad at me?” I asked, jumping the gun. It was a possibility.
“Yes.” He snapped.
“What did I do?”
“I’ll tell you later,” he said, and gestured his hand as if to tell me to get out of his way and sit.
The way he said it was really damn cold. I actually felt like crying then and there, because Jeremy hadn’t ever been so snappish with me.

After the lecture, he just went to the shops. Maybe because I gave him the cold shoulder. I spent some time with Leroy and Wil, and I had a good time alone with Wil, too.

I said to Jeremy two hours later in class, “You don’t have to sit next to me.”
“If I didn’t want to sit here I wouldn’t be here.”
“You’re not going to tell me what’s up.”
“You want me to tell you now with all these people here?”

After class, Leroy said, “Come on Jeremy, what’s up.”
“I need to talk to Audrey alone, so can you go away for a second?”

Fire from the dragon’s mouth.

“I don’t come here early at 8am and wake up at 6:30am for you to go on the computer and return comments. I don’t keep you company because of that. I wanted to talk to you. And I actually had stuff to tell you and I wanted to chat to you. I found it SO RUDE when you just sat there away from me and used the computer. When you didn’t bring your laptop I thought you would be away from the computer but you just went on there AS SOON AS YOU GOT HERE.”

He was so angry. He was furious and I couldn’t look him in the eye to see the expression on his face. I just wanted to cry. I could feel the tears coming up, but I didn’t say anything. I wanted to get angry that he was mad about something so small. I wanted to apologise and just hug and let it pass. I was just so close to tears that in the end my pride just took over because I didn’t want him to see me cry.

“Are you okay?” he asked, genuinely, and I could feel his face no longer that angry…
“If something about me bothered you that much, you could have told me earlier instead of making me wait.”

I walked away. Around the corner, there was Leroy… thank goodness he was there to make me feel better. I felt like shit for doing that. But he was angry over something so small that it hurt more the way he said it, than what he was angry about.

When I got home, Jeremy had sent me an email. He said he didn’t mean for what he said to come out so angrily. I called him up, we talked it over, and we’re okay now. He worried that I was never going to talk to him again. Well, it was a stupid little thing to get angry about. But I’m glad we sorted things out.

Then, problem two. Far out. Wil texted me at night and said that he couldn’t sleep. I don’t even know why… but he just suddenly brought up the subject of Jeremy.

(I told Wil that Jeremy and I kissed. It was a difficult feat, but he’s no longer bothered by it… but he still seems not to like Jeremy. Even after Jeremy apologised to him in person…)

Wil said, “Is there a reason you talk to me so little on MSN? You talk to Jeremy about things in your day and you barely say anything to me.”

I asked if he wanted to chat and talk about it…

“No. I don’t understand his attempts to get your affection or attention, but his instability bothers me. That doesn’t seem to concern you, so I’ll just shut it.”

I don’t know why. It made me really upset. We had a nice time together and suddenly he was being so hostile – Bethany said it was just because he couldn’t sleep, maybe. I just want it to blow over. Why the fuck does everyone I love suddenly go bonkers? I never mean to hurt Wil just because I don’t chat to him much online. I know, maybe I need to stop spending so much time with my websites. Already I feel like I am, and that I’m drifting away from my online hobbies. I enjoy spending time with Wil in person. It just hurts that he is angry over something so trivial, and got so snappy at me like that.

As was Jeremy. Are all males like this? Freaking hell.

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Woah, two weeks without a blog. I find that surprising, considering I generally have a lot of sex. But the last sexual encounter I blogged about was also the last one I had. Derek and I have been basically non stop fighting for the last week, and even when we did stop and had a nap at his place as well as a sleepover the next night, I refuse to do anything.

It goes along with the past blog about feeling like a sex object. A part of our fight was about how he said he doesn’t love me. He believe he did before, but doesn’t now. Of course, when the time comes and we’re naked in his bed but I’m still refusing to do anything sexual.. THEN he loves me. And he’ll say it. But in the goodnight texts when I say it first, or when I randomly tell him that I love him? Nope, nothing. Which ALREADY makes me feel like a sex object, without even having sex.

Derek and I have broken up a few times before, and the last time we did.. we hung out when we were broken up, and he was saying things about how we should get back together. So I gave into his sex offerings, and low and behold.. the next day he had changed his mind and thought we wouldn’t work out so we shouldn’t try. I was left feeling like a used, dirty slut.. and I’m not letting that happen again. Because even if I believe he never did stop loving me, he does.. and if he keeps changing his mind about that, then I’m not going to put myself through the same feelings that I had before.

When we had our sleepover though, I went to bed in just his boxers (well, underwear underneath considering I was on my period, but still). Due to my bleeding, sex was a preferred no either way, fighting or not. But he still kept trying. And he got reeeeeeeal close to succeeding a few times, because damnit I wanted it just as badly as he did. But I knew that I wanted to NOT feel like a slut the next day more. But literally, there was a point where he had me up against the wall with everything else around my ankles.. and it was so close. Like he was actually rubbing all up on me, and it was so hard to just not do it.. but I somehow found the strength to yank my shorts back up and say no.

Eventually, he ended up.. taking care of it on his own. I laughed at that because of the fact that he was being suchhhh a horn dog. And I wasn’t trying to be mean, or punish him.. but I told him from the start nothing sexual was going to happen, but he still got all worked up and tried to get my clothes off which just led to more of an .. inconvenience for him, haha.

So that’s what’s been going on with my (lack of a) sex life. I bet you wish you were me right now..

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