Jeremy and I had a fight yesterday. Ugh. I filled Lana in on this. I met him in the mornings like I usually do. I didn’t take my laptop because I wanted less strain on my back and I figured I wouldn’t need my laptop much during the day anyway, due to other plans and not really needing it in class (it’s funny that my mum suspected me of not going to class because I didn’t bring my laptop, heh).

I hopped on the computer when I got to university. I mean, after chatting with Jeremy a bit, and reading his Scott Pilgrim comic. When Leroy came, I said, “Hey, Leroy’s here.”

“I know,” he said, a bit bluntly. I didn’t suspect anything was up. After I checked my email and websites before class started, I also talked to Leroy, but Jeremy was engrossed in watching something on his iPhone with his earphones in. When I came across a video on the computer of a cute cat and bird walking together, I thought he might like it. I got Leroy to tap him on the shoulder.

Jeremy took out his earphones, looked up, sort of scoffed, and then just went back to what he was doing. I scoffed back and said that he didn’t even give the video a chance. Maybe I sounded a bit mad.

Jeremy said he was going to the lecture room and he’d see us inside. Once inside, the expression on his face told me something was up, so I asked if he was okay.

“Not really,” he said coldly.
“Are you… mad at me?” I asked, jumping the gun. It was a possibility.
“Yes.” He snapped.
“What did I do?”
“I’ll tell you later,” he said, and gestured his hand as if to tell me to get out of his way and sit.
The way he said it was really damn cold. I actually felt like crying then and there, because Jeremy hadn’t ever been so snappish with me.

After the lecture, he just went to the shops. Maybe because I gave him the cold shoulder. I spent some time with Leroy and Wil, and I had a good time alone with Wil, too.

I said to Jeremy two hours later in class, “You don’t have to sit next to me.”
“If I didn’t want to sit here I wouldn’t be here.”
“You’re not going to tell me what’s up.”
“You want me to tell you now with all these people here?”

After class, Leroy said, “Come on Jeremy, what’s up.”
“I need to talk to Audrey alone, so can you go away for a second?”

Fire from the dragon’s mouth.

“I don’t come here early at 8am and wake up at 6:30am for you to go on the computer and return comments. I don’t keep you company because of that. I wanted to talk to you. And I actually had stuff to tell you and I wanted to chat to you. I found it SO RUDE when you just sat there away from me and used the computer. When you didn’t bring your laptop I thought you would be away from the computer but you just went on there AS SOON AS YOU GOT HERE.”

He was so angry. He was furious and I couldn’t look him in the eye to see the expression on his face. I just wanted to cry. I could feel the tears coming up, but I didn’t say anything. I wanted to get angry that he was mad about something so small. I wanted to apologise and just hug and let it pass. I was just so close to tears that in the end my pride just took over because I didn’t want him to see me cry.

“Are you okay?” he asked, genuinely, and I could feel his face no longer that angry…
“If something about me bothered you that much, you could have told me earlier instead of making me wait.”

I walked away. Around the corner, there was Leroy… thank goodness he was there to make me feel better. I felt like shit for doing that. But he was angry over something so small that it hurt more the way he said it, than what he was angry about.

When I got home, Jeremy had sent me an email. He said he didn’t mean for what he said to come out so angrily. I called him up, we talked it over, and we’re okay now. He worried that I was never going to talk to him again. Well, it was a stupid little thing to get angry about. But I’m glad we sorted things out.

Then, problem two. Far out. Wil texted me at night and said that he couldn’t sleep. I don’t even know why… but he just suddenly brought up the subject of Jeremy.

(I told Wil that Jeremy and I kissed. It was a difficult feat, but he’s no longer bothered by it… but he still seems not to like Jeremy. Even after Jeremy apologised to him in person…)

Wil said, “Is there a reason you talk to me so little on MSN? You talk to Jeremy about things in your day and you barely say anything to me.”

I asked if he wanted to chat and talk about it…

“No. I don’t understand his attempts to get your affection or attention, but his instability bothers me. That doesn’t seem to concern you, so I’ll just shut it.”

I don’t know why. It made me really upset. We had a nice time together and suddenly he was being so hostile – Bethany said it was just because he couldn’t sleep, maybe. I just want it to blow over. Why the fuck does everyone I love suddenly go bonkers? I never mean to hurt Wil just because I don’t chat to him much online. I know, maybe I need to stop spending so much time with my websites. Already I feel like I am, and that I’m drifting away from my online hobbies. I enjoy spending time with Wil in person. It just hurts that he is angry over something so trivial, and got so snappy at me like that.

As was Jeremy. Are all males like this? Freaking hell.

3 Comments »

“The L word” – love – is an overrated piece of shit. People say it with the word “I” preceding it and the word “you” following it, in most circumstances. And in some of these circumstances, it is said without meaning, or said to someone and things go downhill because it is apparently a sign of “true feelings” and the other person doesn’t feel the same way. Get out. Dude, get out.

I’m not saying that it should never be said, or that if it’s been said, it means nothing. I am not saying that at all. I’m saying that you should look back on every time you’ve said it to someone and you tell me: did you mean it? Was it hard to say?

If you meant it, how did you mean it? “I love you” should never be hard to say when it’s true. But did you mean it as – what? – to your wuvvable big bro? To your mother? To your best girl friend? To your teacher? To the person you think you’re going to spend the rest of your life with?

Cor. Yes, Cor, the infamous, short and much younger ex-boyfriend. I’d always told him I loved him online. But when it came to saying it in person, it was so fucking hard. I was standing for twenty minutes in front of him as he waited patiently, before I could finally say it. And even then, I couldn’t look him in the eye. It was almost embarrassing – no wait, it was embarrassing.

Looking back on it now, I think that maybe I didn’t love him, and that’s why I couldn’t say it, it wouldn’t come out as easily.

Wil. ♥ Obviously, this was just perfect. At least, the first time it was. Wil is the only person I’ve said “I love you” to more than once. The first time, we just had our arms around each other. We’d just been holding each other for a while, feeling the warm and comfort of each other’s presence. Every now and then I looked up at him and held him tighter. Then I looked up at his face and I told him that I loved him, and he told me the same.

We still say it to each other all the time.

Jeremy. Oh yeah, here’s the real problem. Jeremy was in love with me. And I had some feelings for him about a month ago. One day, when I was feeling a bit pooped up, Jeremy told me how amazing I was, how much he appreciated me as a friend, and how much he wanted us to stay friends.

You know those times when you’re hanging with friends, perhaps on an occasion like your birthday, when you’re opening gifts? You open an oddly light package from your best friend. She might not have the best wrapping skills, and she only had Christmas wrapping paper left, but you open the package to reveal – the DVD of your favourite television show that you’ve had your freaking eyes on for ages that you weren’t able to afford or to bother getting because you were a darned cheapskate who preferred to watch on YouTube.

Your eyes go wide. Your mouth gapes open in shock. You screech in excitement.

“Oh my gosh Bethany I love you!”

You throw your arms around your best friend while you’re jumping up and down in a rare act of multitasking.

It’s a little like that with Jeremy. I love Jeremy for the things he does sometimes. I tell him I love him when I completely appreciate the favours he does for me. Except for the time he dropped the L word. I was almost expecting it. I told him, “Don’t say it.” I knew he was going to, and he said that he had to.

“I love you. I really love you. I love you, really.”

I told him, “I like you, Jeremy… I really do.” I asked myself why. I couldn’t say the words he probably wanted to hear. I just couldn’t. It was wrong and I felt like I shouldn’t tell another guy that I loved him. I love Jeremy, as a friend. The reason I wanted to tell him I liked him was… because I feel that I may have been infatuated with him now.

I feared that he’d take it the way I didn’t intend to say it. I loved him as a friend. I’d ripped his heart by the pulmonary artery and damaged his right ventricle a million times over already.

Then a day came when he said it to me again. Fuck it, I thought. The three words exploded out of my mouth. So be it. If you love someone any which way, just fuckin’ tell them. If they mean that much for you to say it, they should know how you mean it.

2 Comments »

When I first went on Omegle.com, I was filled with wonder and curiosity about random people I would come across on the internet. Where would they be from? What would they be like? Maybe I’d meet someone new and maybe someone else interested in web design.

Let’s face it: I was just bored of my brains and curious as hell – which, let me tell you – is an awful combination.

The first person I talked to was “some guy” with terrible grammar. One of my pet peeves. Cringe. I could hardly stand talking to him because of that. My eyes were bleeding out of their sockets. The guy became boring to talk to, so I left and connected with a new person.

(My younger brother used to think the word “connected” was the dirtiest word. He must have been horny as hell, even at 13 or whatever his age was back then… because “to connect” apparently meant to “have sex”.)

After being bored time and time again, I came across someone who claimed to be male and horny. I let him type whatever he wanted, and I felt dirty afterwards. I swear to Cow, every time I watch something sexual, do something a little dirty, read something related to intercourse or am just in any kind of position (excuse the pun, please) like that… I feel really dirty and gross afterwards.

The way the guy did it was vulgar. The words he said – the likes of “tittyfuck” and “anal” made me extremely uncomfortable. But, as my curiosity took over big time, I just sat there reading the words on the screen.

I’m a visual person. It didn’t help at all. The experience was a little scarring, and visualising it tore a vivid memory into my brain.

Jeremy and I haven’t always been comfortable talking about sex. I mean, we’re the same age, we see each other almost every day at university, and we talk online nearly every day. Since we became closer I guess it just became a part of conversation several times. It’s awkward though, let me tell you, because I have Wil, and we’ve done a few “naughty things”.

I’ve discussed sex with my best friend Bethany (I’ll talk about her more in later posts…) but it’s not a regular topic of discussion.

Now I come to a little confession…

Bored out of my brains + curious as hell = awful combination, right?

That, again, got me in a sticky situation. Through instant messaging, I tried to make Jeremy “shut up”. He’s got a habit of teasing me.

“Can I make you shut up?” I asked.
He gave me his permission and using the action features I typed “Audrey grabs Jeremy and kisses him”.

You can guess. It went on. It was intense, and we were writing a little story right then and there. It just… happened. Kisses on the neck, touching one another’s backs… kind of like imagining sex for the first time. Not vulgar and disgusting, but beautiful and sweet. Out of the action-text, he even asked me how I’d like it (he remembers I hate the idea of blowjobs, wow?)… where I wanted to be touched…

I remember Jeremy saying the next day, “We… umm… made e-love…”

A lovely way of putting it. Maybe I’d consider that the day I lost my e-virginity… What came out of this, really, is that I know I can trust someone on a level of friendship to talk on a level like this. I don’t know if that’s a gift or a catalyst for anarchy… but I don’t think it’s the latter.

4 Comments »