Justin & I have been separated for a few months shy from a year. I got over the relationship rather quickly especially after the absurd 2 week “break” that we took, which killed me every day. Every single day that I knew we were on a “break” made me cry miserably, but it surprisingly took me that same amount of time to get over the relationship. [Quick side note: breaks are incredibly stupid. If you need to go on a "break" with someone, just break-up with them, it is clear the relationship isn't working out. Either the two of you just aren't working anymore, or you've both forgotten what makes you happy that you've lost yourself.]

So, what happened with us? We took a major dip that I talked about, but then we also talked about it & rekindled what we had, or so I thought. Little did I know, Justin was “faking” it the entire time. When we broke up, he was clearly no longer the person I knew & fell in love with anymore. People change, it’s natural, but the person I was staring at with my eyes heavy with tears, was no longer someone I recognized. He had changed so much that I didn’t even know who he was anymore. He was rude, inconsiderate, cold, & selfish. I haven’t spoken to him since our break-up, but that was his choice since he promised that he’d keep in touch, but he didn’t. I don’t bother to contact him because I feel he doesn’t deserve the privilege to speak to me. It’s not much of a right, but what little of a right it is, it’s not something he deserves.

Since Justin, I’ve gone out so much that I at one point, landed myself someone–Tom–to have fun with on the weekends. I was casually seeing him & casually sleeping with him, but Tom is trying to play games with me by making me chase him. I know I’m pretty young, but I feel that I’m too damn old emotionally to be playing games. Does he want to get laid on a weekly basis or not? Last time I checked, he works way too much to go out looking for a girlfriend, so right now, I’m the next best thing & he’s said so himself. I’m not going to chase any guy I don’t see a future with, especially not him. So, I got over that & deleted his number from my phone to prevent drunk texting him. For someone of his age, you’d think that he’d be a little more mature, but he’s comparable to a Frat boy with money. That’s the last thing I need & I’d rather cut out the anxiety that brings me.

Now I’m back at square one: no guy (although there are some that are actively chasing me), enjoying the freedoms of being single & its lack of responsibilities, & exploring a whole new world that I never got to explore before. This year has been a bit of a roller coaster for me emotionally, but after my separation with Justin, I’ve been so happy with my life. I’m loving every minute of it & I’m in the best place & best age to be single.

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All of my life, I have categorized myself under the sexual preference of “straight”. That was until I actually took a course in Human Sexuality a while back & I’ve opened up my mind & realized that I am more than that & so are most people.

I’m not saying that people one day wake up & choose to be a homosexual, I don’t believe that is a choice, but I’m saying that I do not love someone simply because they have a male part that fits into my vagina. I don’t love my boyfriend on the basis that he has a penis & I know that Audrey doesn’t love her boyfriend on the basis that he is a man either.

We love our significant others for their personalities, their actions, the way they make us feel when we’re around them, the comfort they bring us, the love they share with us, & the willingness, sacrifice, & compromise they endure with us.

I’m not going to label myself as a bisexual or a lesbian or a confused straight woman, I don’t want to label myself at all. I just know that I love Justin for Justin, not because his genitalia & mine fit together like puzzle pieces & it feels AWESOME (although that is a huge plus). I don’t love Justin because he’s the opposite gender, I love him for his personality; his “soul” if you will.

I’ve never been attracted to a girl in the way that I could see myself with them sexually (other than ridiculously gorgeous celebrities), but that’s because I’ve yet to find a girl with as beautiful of a soul as Justin’s. Sure Justin is kind of a mischievous 20 something year old most of the time, but he’s logical, rational, practical, incredibly intelligent, doesn’t say “like” every other word, & drama free. Pretty difficult to find those attributes in a girl, but regardless, Justin is who he is which is why I am in love with him.

You could probably say that we are attracted to a certain “gender” because that “gender” shapes their personality in some shape or form which is why we tend to date those that we are “supposed to”, but down to the nitty-gritty, I am attracted to my boyfriend for him. If he was born a she & still had his same personality, I’d still probably fall in love with “her”. Of course, I’d consider “her” as my best friend first, but there’s a certain chemistry we have between the two of us that is undeniable, unshakable, & hell, I’m pretty sure “she’d” be really hot as a girl.

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Have you ever randomly read an excerpt of an adult romance novel & just fantasized about having amazing sex with a guy–so amazing that the both of you climax at the same time? Yeah, let me just tell you that kind of thing does not happen in real life. Either he comes first because he’s inconsiderate, too excited, inexperienced, or all of the above, or you come first & you’re waiting for him to finish up. This is precisely why I am going to tell you that climaxing at the same time is not impossible.

I’ve mentioned before that I had been celibate for almost 3 years before having sex with Justin, but I haven’t mentioned how much the guy stretches me out. When we first started dating he spent the night at my house, but we agreed not to have sex until I knew that he was someone I could spend the rest of my life with. We got into this really intense make out session & when he placed my hand around his penis, my eyes, even though they were closed, popped open to form golf balls. The “pedophile” was tiny & Justin is quite the opposite. I was so shocked & immediately thought, “there is no way I could have sex with this guy & not be sore in the vagina for days…” I was right of course–the first time we had sex, it hurt so badly that he described to me that it felt my vaginal walls had grabbed his penis as if it were trying to crush it.

Just a few days ago when we had sex–look I realize I said I would hold off, but it’s really difficult to when your boyfriend turns you on–I was really sore. I was still sore yesterday & I told Justin that he had to be really gentle with me because I was hurting a bit. We got into this really intimate sex position that allowed us to face each other. When he entered me, he immediately hit my G-spot & I didn’t want to move. I just wanted to lay there & bask in the pleasure I was experiencing.

“You have no idea how amazing this feels,” he said.

Reality check, I totally did. One of my friends told me that she didn’t enjoy slow & sensual sex. Maybe it’s because she’s dating someone who doesn’t know how to use their penis because that sex was amazing. It wasn’t jackrabbit sex, it wasn’t hardcore pornography sex, it was slow, intimate, sensual sex. We climaxed at the same time & I asked him what it was about that position that made him finish earlier than usual. He said it had to do with the way the tip of his penis was hitting the inside of me.

So all in all, climaxing at the same time is possible, you just have to make sure your man is feeling what you’re feeling & vice versa.

If you want to get ahold of this position, here it is:
Lay with your partner side by side facing each other. If you are the girl, lift your leg up to wrap it around your man’s lower back. Have him slip into you & go at it.

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My very first post addressed my concerns with Justin not being “in love” with me, but just “loving” me. That was about 2 months ago & since then, we have had a falling out of love situation. He fell out of love with me & I saw it coming, I just didn’t think that I wouldn’t be considered his future wife anymore. Justin claimed that he didn’t know what he felt, or how he felt about our future, he just knew that he loved me & he wanted to work things out. After our long talk–my eyes totally drained of any liquid in my body–he told me that he loved me more then. I didn’t understand why or how this all happened. Why me? What did I do? I’d still say, “I do,” but he’d say, “I don’t know…?” which kills me. How does one go from finding her soul mate to him having doubts about us?

This whole ordeal threw me into a deep state of depression. Whenever I was with Justin, things weren’t the same, things weren’t healing. I took every single joke to heart because I was so depressed that my sense of humor was completely shot. I hardly smiled around him & he always pointed out how sad I looked. He never at any point, asked me what he could do to cheer me up because he knew exactly what would (affection, love, kisses, “I love you”, etc), but he hesitated. He couldn’t say or do anything to make me feel better because he didn’t feel that way for me anymore.

Just a few days ago, I felt more miserable than ever. I cried all night & I just couldn’t stand it anymore so I called him to talk about our relationship. After two hours, I ended our phone call with, “I don’t want to have sex with you anymore, I can’t. It doesn’t feel right if I give myself to someone who doesn’t see me in their future. You used to tell me that you felt closer to me when we had sex, but now I feel that we just do it so you can get your rocks off. I’m going to guess that you’re not going to say anything to that, so I’ll talk to you later.” What’s sad is he just said, “okay,” & didn’t try to tell me that he wasn’t using me. I continued to cry my eyeballs out & wet my pillow with my salty tears.

The following day my tear ducts could not give me a break. I cried so much that I could’ve dug a hole in my backyard to create a pool. In my irrational & hurt state of mind, my judgment was clouded & I simply could not think clearly. That’s when Lana reminded me of the episode of Friends when Monica & Chandler talked about soul mates. Phoebe claimed she had found Monica’s soul mate which made Chandler nervous even though they were married. Monica calmed Chandler down by telling him, “I don’t think that you & I were destined to end up together. I think that we fell in love & work hard at our relationship. Some days we work really hard.” That gave me clarity & I humbly thanked Lana for reminding me of that episode.

This whole time Justin had been telling me that he didn’t think we were compatible because we bickered so often. I didn’t think we fought about anything, I just didn’t see it because our disagreements were so tiny that it didn’t affect the way I felt about him. Yet, I finally realized that he thought we weren’t perfect for each other anymore because we had disputes. When I went over to his house, I cried for about an hour in silence, & then we talked. I didn’t exactly tell him that I got this from Lana or Friends, but I used an example he understood: his grandparents. I talked to him about how couples bicker all the time, but that doesn’t mean that they’re not compatible. No relationship is perfect & during our little tiffs, he has never yelled at me nor pointed out my flaws; he has always been civil. My last “relationship” consisted of dirty fights with screaming matches & make-up make out sessions that never solved anything. When Justin & I have disagreements, however petty–such as my concern with him contaminating his food by using the same spoon he licked to scoop a condiment out on his sandwich–we have always been civil with each other. That is something I absolutely cherish about our relationship.

“Relationships take work & they’re not always easy. Just because we have arguments doesn’t mean we aren’t meant for each other,” I reminded him. We held each other for a bit & afterward, I laughed for the first time in a long time after he told me that the whole situation between us made his stomach upset. I quoted “Mean Girls” to him, “Gretchen, I’m sorry I laughed at you that time you got diarrhea at Barnes & Nobles. & I’m sorry for telling everyone about it. & I’m sorry for repeating it now.” Magically, I didn’t feel miserable anymore. I felt content. He looked at me & said he didn’t want me to feel like he was using me for sex so he was fine with us not engaging in any.

We watched one of his favorite movies while I massaged his back–the closest I felt we’ve been in a while. In the middle of the movie, he turned to me to give me a kiss on the cheek. It turned into a kiss on the lips which turned into making out, which turned into heavy making out…then the next thing I knew, my clothes were on the ground faster than I could say, “hold on,” & we were on his bed, naked. He repeated to me, “We don’t have to have sex if you don’t want to,” to which I asked him to tell me he loved me. I needed to hear it, I had to hear it. “I do love you, Jackie, I do. I really do love you,” & with tears streaming down my face, I pushed my will power aside, pushed my man down, & got on top. Several position changes later, when the deed was done, he laid on top of me & kissed me several times; a feat that had been quite rare before our “downfall”. We finished the movie with his head on a pillow rested over my lap.

I think that we are making progress. Hopefully he doesn’t let our silly disputes affect his feelings for me anymore. My mind is finally clear & the reason we got to where we did was because I became increasingly upset inside about him not appealing to my romantic side. I let it get to me so badly that I became depressed & it affected our relationship because I wanted what I knew he’d never give me. Big mistake, girls. Learn from mine & just appreciate what you have & what life gives you.

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Growing up, whenever I was curious to learn more about my body parts & how babies were made I’d ask my parents. They knew I wasn’t stupid enough to fall for “the stork” story let alone Santa Claus so they gave me the biological truth. My dad always answered, “it’s when the sperm meets the egg,” which always prompted me to ask, “…but where is the sperm & where is the egg…?” I never got an answer & I remember asking my parents quite often. I used to ask them how little humans were created at dinner, but they always gave me the same reply. They never answered my second question & told me to stop talking so I could finish my dinner.

My 7 year old self was incredibly frustrated. What the heck was sperm? I knew what an egg was; it tasted great in the morning. Contrary to my last sentence, I never thought humans were related to poultry. I knew which sex had which gamete because of my mom yet I was never told where these gametes were located nor how they met. One afternoon, I had a revelation that I thought was too crazy not to tell my mom. While she was sitting on the toilet, I went up to her & said to her, “hey mommy, when you think about it, don’t you think a boy’s private parts fit perfectly with a girl’s private parts? Kind of like a hot dog in its bun?” My mom yelled at me for saying such “rubbish” & I felt like I just said my favorite country is Barbie in a presentation to my entire class. I walked away with my head slinking low thinking to myself, “I can’t be wrong, the parts fit like puzzle pieces!”

To say the least, I was a very sheltered child. Up until the 7th grade, I never fully understood the entire concept of sex. I understood that two people got naked & made out, but I had no idea that the penis went inside the vagina. My school didn’t offer any type of sex education; a bit ridiculous considering that my parents paid $7,000 per year for it. We surprisingly weren’t taught abstinence only either. When it came to the subject of sex or science, my school fell short by 20 km.

I first got a glimpse of what sex looked like when I watched this scene from an action movie. It wasn’t some 10 second TV show sex scene, it was a softcore porn scene. It made me feel tingly & I didn’t understand what was going on down below. When I was channel surfing one night, I stumbled upon this documentary on sex. I saw maybe 5 minutes of it before I switched the channel in fear of getting caught. It was only then that I fully understood the concept of sex & where the sperm & the egg live.

Throughout my years in high school, my parents never once gave me “the talk”. Not even one slightest hint of, “Jackie, you’re going to encounter some really horny teenage boys that want to put something in you, but you shouldn’t…because you’ll get Chlamydia & die.” Had they actually sat down & talked to me about sex, I wouldn’t have gave my virginity away to someone my friends nicknamed, “the pedophile”.

Don’t get me wrong, I knew full well at 15 going on 16 what sex was. I was told to save myself until I was married the way my parents did until I met Sam, the pedophile. I decided that I didn’t want to have sex until I thought I found love. Sam was my first love, first kiss, & unfortunately, my very first. I could say that he wasn’t very good in bed, that his penis was about 10-11 cm (4-4.5 inches), or that he lasted for 5 minutes, but none of those facts could erase the worst mistake of my life. I wasn’t even officially his girlfriend when we had sex–I just thought I loved him. I didn’t think he was “the one”, but I thought it was love. Shortly afterward, I realized that I didn’t love him anymore & that I deserved better. The pedophile cheated on me with several different girls over the course of 2 years, but I was too stupid & naive to leave him.

Had my parents actually been more open to talking to me about my future with boys & sex, I would’ve known better. I would’ve been able to come to my mom & tell her about the guys I liked instead of keeping my flings a secret. I only had sex with Sam once & hadn’t slept with anyone else until Justin. I told myself that I wouldn’t give myself away like that until I believed I met the guy I’d eventually marry. 3 years of celibacy later, I met Justin.

Just 2 weeks ago, my mom blatantly told me she knew I was having sex. I don’t know how she knows because it’s not like she ever caught us in the act; she probably assumed. I was speechless & let’s face it, I’m a horrible liar & I’m a bit old to be denying my sexual activity with my gorgeous man. I didn’t say anything, but neither did my mom. She didn’t give me “the talk”, she didn’t tell me to use condoms, she didn’t tell me she didn’t approve, she didn’t say anything at all. She’s lucky that I took an intro to Human Sexuality class & that I know how to baby/STI proof myself. Even though I know how to protect myself & Justin, it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t appreciate “the talk”. After all, I never got it before & I may be too old to receive it, but it’s better late than never. It’s advantageous to show your daughter that you want to make sure she’s making good choices than avoiding the topic.

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