Whoops. So I realised I never filled Peyton in on this one.
I guess I went into my little bubble and had a cry and scream about the whole thing… but let’s do this reflection thing as I planned it. (I can’t believe I never posted about it, probably got too caught up in other shit happening.)
Jeremy and I came to the conclusion (well, I suppose he did) that kisses are overrated. And that was after we kissed. Yeah, I hear the voiceover coming from you now.
You kissed Jeremy? What the fuck did Wil think? What the fuck were you thinking?
Before we go off into a plan on slaughtering me: Can I just say that we kissed; simple as that. The fact that I responded to the kiss, just explains that fact itself, also hopefully clarifying that he was the one who went in for it. But let me go to said time and place and said incident of this one kiss. I suppose you could say it was a long kiss (not 12 centimetres, I mean in duration, geez), but how long it takes is a little beside the point. Not to mention, we all have our own perceptions of “long”, and once kissing Wil for 40 minutes was “long” to me. So… I don’t know.
For some time while my mother confiscated my laptop and in which I was just going through a really rough time at home, I often went to the bank before work or just browsed the shops. I had to ask my dad to drop me off early but he didn’t mind, nor did he get suspicious.
During that time I met up with Jeremy, because he just wanted to see if I was okay. Wil didn’t have the time to head down and see me, and after planned meetings with friends and shit, and my mother totally ruining them and making my life miserable, all I wanted was a friend to give me a hug. Jeremy was someone who was able to find the time to come and see me, and the only opportunity for that was by heading off to work early.
(Parents suck, FTR.)
Jeremy and I would just sit there in the park near my workplace, and talk, or just hug, and it just made me feel better, knowing that I had a friend who could cheer me up.
Several times, we’d kissed each other on the cheek upon farewell. I liked to think it was just a friendly gesture (well, since we are close friends), but sooner or later it happened: it went further.
The way Jeremy would like me to tell it probably goes a little something like this.
He was kissing my cheek a few times. It got pretty tempting to just kiss him. I knew it was wrong. I tried not to do it. But I felt really comforted by the feel of his arms around me.
I sort of blurted, “Why do you have to do that? Kissing me like that might as well be the equivalent of kissing me on the mouth.” (Lips? Whatever.)
It was a nasty statement to provoke him, knowing how much he wanted to actually kiss me, and how I often did myself, but also knowing that we were trying so hard. Trying really hard not to. So when he went in for my mouth I just kissed him back. I felt his lips on mine, and his arms around me, and the feel of his tongue before I realised — fuck.
It was an incident that made me cry and rip my hair out on several occasions, because, ultimately, I could not… I simply could not lie to Wil, and eventually, I told him. I freaking love him. He’s not the kind of guy to bash up other people for acts like this. He just… took it with a grain of salt, I guess? He simply disliked that Jeremy had the capacity of mind to perform such an action. He didn’t feel hatred for Jeremy, or want to murder him, or want to stab his heart with a pick axe. He didn’t slap me for telling him two months later, for hiding it from him and not telling him straight away, for kissing Jeremy back…
“Force of habit.”
I’m only… thankful… that that same force of habit doesn’t lead me to do the same thing again. I missed kissing Wil, and the thrill there was in kissing Jeremy – well, that was just wrong. I’m not doing it again. I slapped myself for this one. For fuck’s sake, Audrey. Make out with your pillow or something for the time being.
