Derek and I don’t talk anymore. We were for a bit, but I haven’t texted him in a week and I’m just trying to move on with my life. Since I don’t talk to him, and I’m no longer having sex.. I decided to stop taking birth control because it was pointless for me to be spending money on it every month when I wasn’t using it. That, and the clinic is only open one day a week for four hours so it was hard for me to pick up another pack. I figured going off it would stop me from having sex with him too, because it’s riskier. Not that I’m talking to him but you know, given our history you never know.

Since going off it (actually, a little bit before too) I’ve been an emotional wreck. I cry at everything, stupid things, random songs, memories, etc. It sucks. I never had any problems while on the pill, and so far have had no problems going off it like some people said they have but I’m just so moody and emotional. Last night, I almost cried because my mom went to Wal-Mart without me. I started sobbing randomly last night, just out of no where. And 85% of the time, I just want to text Derek and tell him to make me feel better, but I don’t. And I can’t.

I’m being strong on the whole, don’t text him thing. I know that time (or another boy, heh) is the only thing that’s going to help me move on. Texting him isn’t going to, and I knew that ages ago but I never did it because I never really wanted it to be the end of us. And honestly, I still don’t. He was a shitty boyfriend and is a pretty shitty person in general now, but it’s so hard when I used to love him so much. But since he’s not him anymore, all I want is that old him back but I know that’s not possible. I’m being strong, and just crying myself to sleep versus texting him, sexing him, or anything of the sort. Yeah, so I want to cry at work when a certain song comes on or I want to cry when I’m n a freaking CAR WASH because of the memories of us going through those, with the windows leaking or spending the whole time making out.

It’s hard. It’ll be worth it in the end. Part of me still thinks (but tries not to hope) that one day, he’ll realize what an asshole he was, how good I was to him, and how we could have worked. But I can’t wait for him, and I can’t keep letting myself get hurt. So I’m done, and I will be so mad at myself if I try to text him.

But it still sucks, that he hasn’t tried to text me. I mean, I know that I went off on him about how much better I deserved and was a bitch, but he deserved that after everything he’s done. It sucks to feel like after all this time he doesn’t care, when I’m here crying over it day in & day out but. Idk, that’s life and that’s just one of the many reasons we aren’t together anymore, and why I’m better off without him.

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It’s been awhile since I’ve posted, and I think a lot has happened since then in terms of my relationship with Derek.

Just recently, I realized something. We’ve still kept up with our ex-sex, and I think I’m just finally realizing now why I do it (other than the fact that I like sex). I no longer love him, because he is no longer the same person he used to be.

To come to this conclusion, well it kind of sucks. He’s changed a lot in the last few months, even before we broke up… and it’s to the point where.. I don’t even really recognize the person he is anymore. Because he’s not the same, at all. I think why I chose to continue on with the sex was because I was hoping that maybe somehow, he would go back to being the old him – maybe when he was done school, or moved back home or just randomly one day, and then the old him, the one that loved me.. would come back & we could be happy again. Because I still love that old version, but I can’t say that I love him because he’s a totally different person. I can barely even say I like the new version of him.

I don’t know why it’s hitting me so hard to realize this, but maybe because I finally realize that he’s not going to change back & I can’t keep hoping for that. It’s like Kate Voegele says I guess,I’ve seen your act & I know all the facts / I’m still in love with who I wish you were / It ain’t hard to see who you are underneath / and I’m still in love with who I wish you were / I wish you were here.

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All of my life, I have categorized myself under the sexual preference of “straight”. That was until I actually took a course in Human Sexuality a while back & I’ve opened up my mind & realized that I am more than that & so are most people.

I’m not saying that people one day wake up & choose to be a homosexual, I don’t believe that is a choice, but I’m saying that I do not love someone simply because they have a male part that fits into my vagina. I don’t love my boyfriend on the basis that he has a penis & I know that Audrey doesn’t love her boyfriend on the basis that he is a man either.

We love our significant others for their personalities, their actions, the way they make us feel when we’re around them, the comfort they bring us, the love they share with us, & the willingness, sacrifice, & compromise they endure with us.

I’m not going to label myself as a bisexual or a lesbian or a confused straight woman, I don’t want to label myself at all. I just know that I love Justin for Justin, not because his genitalia & mine fit together like puzzle pieces & it feels AWESOME (although that is a huge plus). I don’t love Justin because he’s the opposite gender, I love him for his personality; his “soul” if you will.

I’ve never been attracted to a girl in the way that I could see myself with them sexually (other than ridiculously gorgeous celebrities), but that’s because I’ve yet to find a girl with as beautiful of a soul as Justin’s. Sure Justin is kind of a mischievous 20 something year old most of the time, but he’s logical, rational, practical, incredibly intelligent, doesn’t say “like” every other word, & drama free. Pretty difficult to find those attributes in a girl, but regardless, Justin is who he is which is why I am in love with him.

You could probably say that we are attracted to a certain “gender” because that “gender” shapes their personality in some shape or form which is why we tend to date those that we are “supposed to”, but down to the nitty-gritty, I am attracted to my boyfriend for him. If he was born a she & still had his same personality, I’d still probably fall in love with “her”. Of course, I’d consider “her” as my best friend first, but there’s a certain chemistry we have between the two of us that is undeniable, unshakable, & hell, I’m pretty sure “she’d” be really hot as a girl.

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Have you ever randomly read an excerpt of an adult romance novel & just fantasized about having amazing sex with a guy–so amazing that the both of you climax at the same time? Yeah, let me just tell you that kind of thing does not happen in real life. Either he comes first because he’s inconsiderate, too excited, inexperienced, or all of the above, or you come first & you’re waiting for him to finish up. This is precisely why I am going to tell you that climaxing at the same time is not impossible.

I’ve mentioned before that I had been celibate for almost 3 years before having sex with Justin, but I haven’t mentioned how much the guy stretches me out. When we first started dating he spent the night at my house, but we agreed not to have sex until I knew that he was someone I could spend the rest of my life with. We got into this really intense make out session & when he placed my hand around his penis, my eyes, even though they were closed, popped open to form golf balls. The “pedophile” was tiny & Justin is quite the opposite. I was so shocked & immediately thought, “there is no way I could have sex with this guy & not be sore in the vagina for days…” I was right of course–the first time we had sex, it hurt so badly that he described to me that it felt my vaginal walls had grabbed his penis as if it were trying to crush it.

Just a few days ago when we had sex–look I realize I said I would hold off, but it’s really difficult to when your boyfriend turns you on–I was really sore. I was still sore yesterday & I told Justin that he had to be really gentle with me because I was hurting a bit. We got into this really intimate sex position that allowed us to face each other. When he entered me, he immediately hit my G-spot & I didn’t want to move. I just wanted to lay there & bask in the pleasure I was experiencing.

“You have no idea how amazing this feels,” he said.

Reality check, I totally did. One of my friends told me that she didn’t enjoy slow & sensual sex. Maybe it’s because she’s dating someone who doesn’t know how to use their penis because that sex was amazing. It wasn’t jackrabbit sex, it wasn’t hardcore pornography sex, it was slow, intimate, sensual sex. We climaxed at the same time & I asked him what it was about that position that made him finish earlier than usual. He said it had to do with the way the tip of his penis was hitting the inside of me.

So all in all, climaxing at the same time is possible, you just have to make sure your man is feeling what you’re feeling & vice versa.

If you want to get ahold of this position, here it is:
Lay with your partner side by side facing each other. If you are the girl, lift your leg up to wrap it around your man’s lower back. Have him slip into you & go at it.

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My very first post addressed my concerns with Justin not being “in love” with me, but just “loving” me. That was about 2 months ago & since then, we have had a falling out of love situation. He fell out of love with me & I saw it coming, I just didn’t think that I wouldn’t be considered his future wife anymore. Justin claimed that he didn’t know what he felt, or how he felt about our future, he just knew that he loved me & he wanted to work things out. After our long talk–my eyes totally drained of any liquid in my body–he told me that he loved me more then. I didn’t understand why or how this all happened. Why me? What did I do? I’d still say, “I do,” but he’d say, “I don’t know…?” which kills me. How does one go from finding her soul mate to him having doubts about us?

This whole ordeal threw me into a deep state of depression. Whenever I was with Justin, things weren’t the same, things weren’t healing. I took every single joke to heart because I was so depressed that my sense of humor was completely shot. I hardly smiled around him & he always pointed out how sad I looked. He never at any point, asked me what he could do to cheer me up because he knew exactly what would (affection, love, kisses, “I love you”, etc), but he hesitated. He couldn’t say or do anything to make me feel better because he didn’t feel that way for me anymore.

Just a few days ago, I felt more miserable than ever. I cried all night & I just couldn’t stand it anymore so I called him to talk about our relationship. After two hours, I ended our phone call with, “I don’t want to have sex with you anymore, I can’t. It doesn’t feel right if I give myself to someone who doesn’t see me in their future. You used to tell me that you felt closer to me when we had sex, but now I feel that we just do it so you can get your rocks off. I’m going to guess that you’re not going to say anything to that, so I’ll talk to you later.” What’s sad is he just said, “okay,” & didn’t try to tell me that he wasn’t using me. I continued to cry my eyeballs out & wet my pillow with my salty tears.

The following day my tear ducts could not give me a break. I cried so much that I could’ve dug a hole in my backyard to create a pool. In my irrational & hurt state of mind, my judgment was clouded & I simply could not think clearly. That’s when Lana reminded me of the episode of Friends when Monica & Chandler talked about soul mates. Phoebe claimed she had found Monica’s soul mate which made Chandler nervous even though they were married. Monica calmed Chandler down by telling him, “I don’t think that you & I were destined to end up together. I think that we fell in love & work hard at our relationship. Some days we work really hard.” That gave me clarity & I humbly thanked Lana for reminding me of that episode.

This whole time Justin had been telling me that he didn’t think we were compatible because we bickered so often. I didn’t think we fought about anything, I just didn’t see it because our disagreements were so tiny that it didn’t affect the way I felt about him. Yet, I finally realized that he thought we weren’t perfect for each other anymore because we had disputes. When I went over to his house, I cried for about an hour in silence, & then we talked. I didn’t exactly tell him that I got this from Lana or Friends, but I used an example he understood: his grandparents. I talked to him about how couples bicker all the time, but that doesn’t mean that they’re not compatible. No relationship is perfect & during our little tiffs, he has never yelled at me nor pointed out my flaws; he has always been civil. My last “relationship” consisted of dirty fights with screaming matches & make-up make out sessions that never solved anything. When Justin & I have disagreements, however petty–such as my concern with him contaminating his food by using the same spoon he licked to scoop a condiment out on his sandwich–we have always been civil with each other. That is something I absolutely cherish about our relationship.

“Relationships take work & they’re not always easy. Just because we have arguments doesn’t mean we aren’t meant for each other,” I reminded him. We held each other for a bit & afterward, I laughed for the first time in a long time after he told me that the whole situation between us made his stomach upset. I quoted “Mean Girls” to him, “Gretchen, I’m sorry I laughed at you that time you got diarrhea at Barnes & Nobles. & I’m sorry for telling everyone about it. & I’m sorry for repeating it now.” Magically, I didn’t feel miserable anymore. I felt content. He looked at me & said he didn’t want me to feel like he was using me for sex so he was fine with us not engaging in any.

We watched one of his favorite movies while I massaged his back–the closest I felt we’ve been in a while. In the middle of the movie, he turned to me to give me a kiss on the cheek. It turned into a kiss on the lips which turned into making out, which turned into heavy making out…then the next thing I knew, my clothes were on the ground faster than I could say, “hold on,” & we were on his bed, naked. He repeated to me, “We don’t have to have sex if you don’t want to,” to which I asked him to tell me he loved me. I needed to hear it, I had to hear it. “I do love you, Jackie, I do. I really do love you,” & with tears streaming down my face, I pushed my will power aside, pushed my man down, & got on top. Several position changes later, when the deed was done, he laid on top of me & kissed me several times; a feat that had been quite rare before our “downfall”. We finished the movie with his head on a pillow rested over my lap.

I think that we are making progress. Hopefully he doesn’t let our silly disputes affect his feelings for me anymore. My mind is finally clear & the reason we got to where we did was because I became increasingly upset inside about him not appealing to my romantic side. I let it get to me so badly that I became depressed & it affected our relationship because I wanted what I knew he’d never give me. Big mistake, girls. Learn from mine & just appreciate what you have & what life gives you.

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