Woah, two weeks without a blog. I find that surprising, considering I generally have a lot of sex. But the last sexual encounter I blogged about was also the last one I had. Derek and I have been basically non stop fighting for the last week, and even when we did stop and had a nap at his place as well as a sleepover the next night, I refuse to do anything.

It goes along with the past blog about feeling like a sex object. A part of our fight was about how he said he doesn’t love me. He believe he did before, but doesn’t now. Of course, when the time comes and we’re naked in his bed but I’m still refusing to do anything sexual.. THEN he loves me. And he’ll say it. But in the goodnight texts when I say it first, or when I randomly tell him that I love him? Nope, nothing. Which ALREADY makes me feel like a sex object, without even having sex.

Derek and I have broken up a few times before, and the last time we did.. we hung out when we were broken up, and he was saying things about how we should get back together. So I gave into his sex offerings, and low and behold.. the next day he had changed his mind and thought we wouldn’t work out so we shouldn’t try. I was left feeling like a used, dirty slut.. and I’m not letting that happen again. Because even if I believe he never did stop loving me, he does.. and if he keeps changing his mind about that, then I’m not going to put myself through the same feelings that I had before.

When we had our sleepover though, I went to bed in just his boxers (well, underwear underneath considering I was on my period, but still). Due to my bleeding, sex was a preferred no either way, fighting or not. But he still kept trying. And he got reeeeeeeal close to succeeding a few times, because damnit I wanted it just as badly as he did. But I knew that I wanted to NOT feel like a slut the next day more. But literally, there was a point where he had me up against the wall with everything else around my ankles.. and it was so close. Like he was actually rubbing all up on me, and it was so hard to just not do it.. but I somehow found the strength to yank my shorts back up and say no.

Eventually, he ended up.. taking care of it on his own. I laughed at that because of the fact that he was being suchhhh a horn dog. And I wasn’t trying to be mean, or punish him.. but I told him from the start nothing sexual was going to happen, but he still got all worked up and tried to get my clothes off which just led to more of an .. inconvenience for him, haha.

So that’s what’s been going on with my (lack of a) sex life. I bet you wish you were me right now..

2 Comments »

Generally, I enjoy the fact that Derek wants sex just as much as I do. You wouldn’t think so by looking at me (apparently I just seem too innocent for sex), but I do love sex. Yesterday, I spent the day home alone as everyone was out of the house for various reasons, so I got to walk around in my underwear, shave my legs outside of the shower and just do whatever I wanted. As soon as Derek found out I was home alone though, his first question was something along the lines of “So we can fuck in your bed?”. Technically, yes.. except my bed was a mess, so it ended up being my parents bed (which is besides the point). I didn’t mind that he wanted to specifically come over and knew we would be having sex, it was the fact that he failed to tell me (until he was just about at my house) that the ONLY reason he was coming to visit me was for sex, and that he had about fifteen minutes at my house before he had to go home and leave for some family thing.

Sure, quickies are great and I love them, but way to make me feel like a sex object. I mean, I know he loves me and isn’t just using me for sex, because after a year and a half (today, actually) and the wait he went through in the beginning to even get a kiss, let alone sex.. I know he’s not in it JUST for the sex. But he is still great at making me feel that way sometimes. Especially with the fact that, as lame as this sounds.. we don’t make love anymore, or even just have sex. It’s fucking. With ass spanking (which left hand prints last night) and moaning and just.. not love making. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for that and I don’t mind the ass spanking, I just think it would be nice to actually get some damn romance once in awhile, or something more than a “why are you still wearing your clothes, we should be fucking”. I’m not asking for constant nice, gentle, loving sex every time we do it, but maybe a 20/80 ratio would be nice? Just so I know that I’m not just your sex object.

I guess I should have seen last night coming though, considering all day when I was texting him, he was asking me to send him a picture of my boobs. Clearly he was being a horn dog all day, but it’s just nice to feel appreciated, you know? Like when I had a bad day months ago, and he brought me flowers just because. Even the fact that we used to always share our subs when we went to Subway, but now he smacks my hand away if I even want a bite. I guess he’s just lucky that I love him so much.

2 Comments »

I had one of the most mind blowing sexings of my life yesterday. It was so amazing that it actually made me feel like a virgin again. It felt like it was the first time Justin & I ever had sex.

I was finishing up my cycle & I felt that I was a much “smaller” than usual. Don’t think I poke around my vagina all day to see how wide I can stretch it; I just noticed that when inserting my fairly tiny tampon it felt like I was inserting a 10 cm wide plastic rod. I’m not exactly the type of girl who likes to get freaky while blood is oozing out of my orifice but I didn’t expect it to reduce in size so much that a tampon would hurt. For a second I thought I had accidentally jammed one up there & had forgotten to remove it but that wasn’t the case. When I actually tried to retrieve said tampon, my own skinny index finger was too big for me & it hurt. Odd.

I hadn’t fornicated with Justin for probably a week because of ye old mother nature. It drives him insane but since I’m such an amazing girlfriend, I actually try to help ease the blue balls. However, this past week I felt as if Justin wasn’t in love with me anymore. I knew he still loved me very much but he wasn’t in love with me. He’s been a bit more reclusive & cold toward me. I tend to over exaggerate & misinterpret his emotions on the basis that I’m still getting used to actually having someone I love dearly love me back. In this case, I definitely misinterpreted his emotions, calling it a “long shot” is an understatement. More like I aimed for the stars but flung myself into the Pacific ocean instead.

Justin didn’t get any “release” from me this past week. I don’t enjoy feeling equivalent to a cheap $5 hooker when I unzip his pants & get right down to business when he doesn’t treat me with respect. Therefore, he had to use his own resources to get his rocks off. He’s well aware of how stubborn I can be about pleasuring him but I don’t see the point if he’s going to treat me like I’m just his friend with benefits & not his girlfriend. “If you treat me with respect & kiss me first, I’ll do anything you want,” I’ve said to him over & over again. I guess he thinks it’s unnecessary foreplay. I’m a girl, I can’t get wet just because you have a boner, it doesn’t work that way. I need & crave foreplay. It doesn’t have to take an hour or half of it! I just want a bit of sweet attention & then you can plow me all you want. Is that honestly too much to ask? Because making out with me is a walk in the park compared to giving a man oral. They don’t call it a job for nothing.

I went over to Justin’s to hang out with him & I wore a flattering dress for easy access. I was still convinced that the man had fallen out of love with me until we were on his bed & he repeatedly said to me, “I love you, Jackie. I love you.” That totally convinced me of how much I fail miserably at reading his emotions. Soon afterward we had one of the most passionate make out sessions that I had been craving for months. I felt like we were just dating again & the thrill of just making out with him made me hot…in my panties. We felt each other up & engaged in such a passionate act of lovemaking that it felt like we were having sex for the first time minus the awkwardness that comes with the first time. In addition, it also hurt a bit like the first time but the pain fades as pleasure fills my entire being like the warmth of a fire. Honestly–it felt as if he had told me for the first time that he knew I was the missing puzzle to make him whole.

Last night, I didn’t just fornicate with Justin, we made love. Cheeseball or not, it’s the truth. It felt like we fell in love with each other all over again.

4 Comments »