The other day I went to Wil’s house. We discovered that it was actually quite nice to hug naked. It felt really warm and comfortable and we were just lying down on the rug in his lounge room.

Prior to that, we didn’t have that weird awkwardness last time when he came to my place. Last time it was very weird and we were even wondering how to take our clothes off… and we spent quite some time asking each other what exactly we wanted to do.

Every time Wil stimulates me by touching my clitoris (which I really enjoy, for the record!) I feel like I orgasm differently compared to when I masturbate. It feels more intense, and though it doesn’t really feel like I climax, it feels a lot better, and a lot more exciting. I really like just lying on top of him as he does it. He did tell me that he enjoys doing it to me too. No input on how he feels about me completely breathing on his face, but I love just brushing my lips against his – no actual kissing, but the feeling is so… so sensual.

After that we tried “69″. Eh, well it didn’t go too well, but we actually spent some time looking at each other’s reproductive organs and I guess “teaching” each other all the parts. It amused Wil when he “probed” (well that was how he put it) his finger in and out of me, until I told him to stop because it started tickling so bad and I felt like I was going to pee myself all over his rug.

“69″ was… a little too difficult. We were amused that we tasted the same, though, albeit saltier than we’d even expected. Damn.

We didn’t go much further but we took a shower together after all that. I am really happy that we can be so comfortable with each other when it comes to sexual things. However, I know that despite all this experimenting, sex is still far off – I definitely don’t feel like I’m ready for it, and the possibility of getting pregnant and even the idea of getting pregnant terrifies me. I got my period today and my cramps were absolutely intolerable. From here, it probably won’t go further for some time to come.

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I just had… mind blowing sex. Like.. really, really, reeeeaaaally good sex. I literally couldn’t feel my teeth after (is that weird?) and my fingers were all tingly, and I just felt.. drunk. And reeeeeally good. I couldn’t see straight, and I could barely sit up without my head just.. spinning. I think it was a mix of the intensity of pleasure, pain from doing it twice and a bit of the closeness factor.

I don’t give blowjobs. I find the thought of it gross and it’s never EVER something that I have ever wanted to do, nor feel the need to do. Tonight though? I actually felt like doing it. 99% chance, if Derek and I were dating.. I would have done it. And as the girls know, that is a HUGE thing for me to say. I wasn’t going to tell Derek that, because I figured.. it’s kind of like a tease, y’know? ‘Oh, so I was gonna do this.. but then I didn’t ’cause we’re not dating.’ I did tell him in the end, because he wanted me too.. and boy, he wasn’t pleased. I don’t know what about that moment it was, considering I’ve had the same tingly feeling before, but something about it just made me feel like I would do it. But, if it’s such a big deal for me to do even with a boyfriend, I’m not going to do it for someone whose not my boyfriend. Because it is a BIG deal for me.

This is going to sound.. totally, cliche and weird and stupid.. but I shed a SINGLE tear after. Now, I can’t say if it was from the fact that I was insanely happy after, if it was because it felt so good to be close to him again when I had missed it/him so much, or just simply because I know that continuing to do this is going to hurt me in the end and I feel so stupid and pathetic for continuing to hold onto the relationship that doesn’t even exist purely with sex, but I cried one tear. He didn’t notice, and I don’t even think he noticed my shaky voice (though that could have been seen as just part of my weird feelings after) but it was there.

This, in short.. was the sex I’ve been wanting for MONTHS. Where I felt so close to him, and just so good at the same time. Lately, most of our sex is in a cramped truck cab or a tiny back seat of a car, but it was in his Blazer with the seats pushed down and lots of room so it wasn’t so cramped. We got to just chill out and be naked after, and not worry about people seeing us because of the fail windows in his truck. I think the only way the sex would have been more perfect would have been if it was actually a relationship, and not some weird friends with benefits thing that may or may not be a good idea.

But holy mother, it was GOOD sex.

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Strange as it may seem considering we’ve been together quite a long time, today was the first time I saw Wil with no clothes on. And vice versa.

The whole experience was pretty awkward, and we were saying the most awkward things. We’ve felt aroused around each other sometimes – but in completely the wrong place.

You’re reading about the couple who would put their hands in each other’s pockets at the back of the classroom in English class in high school whilst we were watching a video. The couple who would lie on top of each other in the quiet park down the road, and then almost being caught by some perverted jerk-off who obviously had nothing better to do but watch and simply assume that the young couple were having intercourse.

The couple who would tease each other online with sexual innuendos and the like.

The couple who wouldn’t ever feel that way in each other’s presence – no, rarely.

Wil and I rarely get time alone, and today we did. Even though we were kissing each other passionately as we pressed our bodies against each other before we were unclothed, it was awkward. We talked and wondered what we should do, for both of us were curious but not quite ready to fire into anything.

What meant the most to me was that upon discussing oral sex, Wil held me close and said, “Please. Don’t do this unless you really want to. I don’t want it to end up in your mouth, and I really don’t want you to do anything you’re going to regret later on or anything you don’t even want to do.”

It kind of shot back a strange memory of Jeremy – shit, Jeremy, shit really. I remembered one occasion where Jeremy wanted to discuss sex on a certain level, but before continuing, he said, “You’re the girl. And because you’re the girl, it’s up to you. It’s always up to the girl.”

My respect meter for him just fucking exploded. And my respect meter for Wil? It went way past 100% too, but the contents bubbled and cracked the casing as it overflowed. What he said was so sweet.

I decided to try performing oral sex on Wil. Big step. Something we’d talked about, as a possibility, quite some time ago. My curiosity got the better of me after he left me in throes of ecstasy by rubbing me down there…

We were mucking around so it didn’t go very far – for one thing we were laughing over a condom. I’d never seen one before today, and neither had he. I think we were just being really immature about it. After I started on him, we just couldn’t stop laughing.

I kind of thought that one day soon we’d go pretty far – if this isn’t “far” already – but I don’t know. Sometimes I like the bliss of just kissing, holding, just the presence of one another. I wouldn’t do anything if I wasn’t ready. And I love Wil, because he respects that.

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