Justin & I have been separated for a few months shy from a year. I got over the relationship rather quickly especially after the absurd 2 week “break” that we took, which killed me every day. Every single day that I knew we were on a “break” made me cry miserably, but it surprisingly took me that same amount of time to get over the relationship. [Quick side note: breaks are incredibly stupid. If you need to go on a "break" with someone, just break-up with them, it is clear the relationship isn't working out. Either the two of you just aren't working anymore, or you've both forgotten what makes you happy that you've lost yourself.]

So, what happened with us? We took a major dip that I talked about, but then we also talked about it & rekindled what we had, or so I thought. Little did I know, Justin was “faking” it the entire time. When we broke up, he was clearly no longer the person I knew & fell in love with anymore. People change, it’s natural, but the person I was staring at with my eyes heavy with tears, was no longer someone I recognized. He had changed so much that I didn’t even know who he was anymore. He was rude, inconsiderate, cold, & selfish. I haven’t spoken to him since our break-up, but that was his choice since he promised that he’d keep in touch, but he didn’t. I don’t bother to contact him because I feel he doesn’t deserve the privilege to speak to me. It’s not much of a right, but what little of a right it is, it’s not something he deserves.

Since Justin, I’ve gone out so much that I at one point, landed myself someone–Tom–to have fun with on the weekends. I was casually seeing him & casually sleeping with him, but Tom is trying to play games with me by making me chase him. I know I’m pretty young, but I feel that I’m too damn old emotionally to be playing games. Does he want to get laid on a weekly basis or not? Last time I checked, he works way too much to go out looking for a girlfriend, so right now, I’m the next best thing & he’s said so himself. I’m not going to chase any guy I don’t see a future with, especially not him. So, I got over that & deleted his number from my phone to prevent drunk texting him. For someone of his age, you’d think that he’d be a little more mature, but he’s comparable to a Frat boy with money. That’s the last thing I need & I’d rather cut out the anxiety that brings me.

Now I’m back at square one: no guy (although there are some that are actively chasing me), enjoying the freedoms of being single & its lack of responsibilities, & exploring a whole new world that I never got to explore before. This year has been a bit of a roller coaster for me emotionally, but after my separation with Justin, I’ve been so happy with my life. I’m loving every minute of it & I’m in the best place & best age to be single.

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It’s been awhile since I’ve posted, and I think a lot has happened since then in terms of my relationship with Derek.

Just recently, I realized something. We’ve still kept up with our ex-sex, and I think I’m just finally realizing now why I do it (other than the fact that I like sex). I no longer love him, because he is no longer the same person he used to be.

To come to this conclusion, well it kind of sucks. He’s changed a lot in the last few months, even before we broke up… and it’s to the point where.. I don’t even really recognize the person he is anymore. Because he’s not the same, at all. I think why I chose to continue on with the sex was because I was hoping that maybe somehow, he would go back to being the old him – maybe when he was done school, or moved back home or just randomly one day, and then the old him, the one that loved me.. would come back & we could be happy again. Because I still love that old version, but I can’t say that I love him because he’s a totally different person. I can barely even say I like the new version of him.

I don’t know why it’s hitting me so hard to realize this, but maybe because I finally realize that he’s not going to change back & I can’t keep hoping for that. It’s like Kate Voegele says I guess,I’ve seen your act & I know all the facts / I’m still in love with who I wish you were / It ain’t hard to see who you are underneath / and I’m still in love with who I wish you were / I wish you were here.

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Have you ever randomly read an excerpt of an adult romance novel & just fantasized about having amazing sex with a guy–so amazing that the both of you climax at the same time? Yeah, let me just tell you that kind of thing does not happen in real life. Either he comes first because he’s inconsiderate, too excited, inexperienced, or all of the above, or you come first & you’re waiting for him to finish up. This is precisely why I am going to tell you that climaxing at the same time is not impossible.

I’ve mentioned before that I had been celibate for almost 3 years before having sex with Justin, but I haven’t mentioned how much the guy stretches me out. When we first started dating he spent the night at my house, but we agreed not to have sex until I knew that he was someone I could spend the rest of my life with. We got into this really intense make out session & when he placed my hand around his penis, my eyes, even though they were closed, popped open to form golf balls. The “pedophile” was tiny & Justin is quite the opposite. I was so shocked & immediately thought, “there is no way I could have sex with this guy & not be sore in the vagina for days…” I was right of course–the first time we had sex, it hurt so badly that he described to me that it felt my vaginal walls had grabbed his penis as if it were trying to crush it.

Just a few days ago when we had sex–look I realize I said I would hold off, but it’s really difficult to when your boyfriend turns you on–I was really sore. I was still sore yesterday & I told Justin that he had to be really gentle with me because I was hurting a bit. We got into this really intimate sex position that allowed us to face each other. When he entered me, he immediately hit my G-spot & I didn’t want to move. I just wanted to lay there & bask in the pleasure I was experiencing.

“You have no idea how amazing this feels,” he said.

Reality check, I totally did. One of my friends told me that she didn’t enjoy slow & sensual sex. Maybe it’s because she’s dating someone who doesn’t know how to use their penis because that sex was amazing. It wasn’t jackrabbit sex, it wasn’t hardcore pornography sex, it was slow, intimate, sensual sex. We climaxed at the same time & I asked him what it was about that position that made him finish earlier than usual. He said it had to do with the way the tip of his penis was hitting the inside of me.

So all in all, climaxing at the same time is possible, you just have to make sure your man is feeling what you’re feeling & vice versa.

If you want to get ahold of this position, here it is:
Lay with your partner side by side facing each other. If you are the girl, lift your leg up to wrap it around your man’s lower back. Have him slip into you & go at it.

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I need to cut him out of my life. I know that. I know in order for me to move on, and find what/who I deserve, I need to cut him out of my life.

And I want to do that so that I can move on, but I don’t want to do that because I’m scared. I’m scared that I won’t find someone else.. scared I’ll be lonely. And most of all, scared that soon he’ll realize what he lost and want me back, and that maybe I’ll give in. Or maybe I’m more scared that he is actually over it, and he would never want to get back together. Yeah, I think that scares me more..

Either way, I’m not giving him the option to REALIZE what he lost, because I’m still there. I still give him sex, and I still text him and talk to him all the time, and do everything we did when we were a couple minus saying I love you, kissing goodbye (he gets mad when I do that) and holding hands. And I know that that’s a big problem. I know it should be different. I want it to be different, but I want things to just go back to how they were.

My plan, at the moment.. is to cut him out of my life. To tell him tonight when (if) I see him, that I think he’s wrong about us, and I think that we could work out.. but that I’m not going to keep letting myself get hurt to try to prove that. I’m no longer going to try to convince him that we should be together, or try to prove myself to him. If he doesn’t want me, then that’s his loss.

That’s my plan… but I don’t know if I’ll actually be strong enough to do it. I’m not even strong enough to just type this, because I now have a giant lump in my throat and my eyes are starting to go fuzzy. Wish me luck? I’ll need it, if I even do see him tonight.

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I just got back from hanging out with Derek. Yes, we are still broken up. No, he doesn’t want to get back together. Yet, somehow.. we still had sex. No, I don’t regret it.¹ I was debating on whether or not to actually post about this though, because I know that the rest of the girls (probably Jackie especially, considering she already offered a slap if we got back together) might not particularly think it’s a good idea. I’m not even sure if I think it was a good idea.

He was bored, because all he’s done lately is either stay home on facebook all day because of his rash, or work (today). So he came to hang out, but had to be home early as his mom was worried about him. He told his mom that he was gonna ‘talk’ to me, as she knows we’re broken up. Do I feel like this could lead to us getting back together, yes. In a perfect world. I made somewhat of a mental pros and cons list. It went a little like this:

Pros:
I get sex
I still get Derek, who I didn’t want to lose in the first place
I think it could make him realize that he made a mistake in thinking we should break up
It could possibly lead to us getting back together, which is what I hate to admit that I wouldn’t mind.
I get sex, and Derek.

Cons:
I most likely end up getting hurt.
Even in the event of a get back together, I still most likely end up getting hurt.
I’ll get attatched. What am I talking about, I still am attatched.
He sees it as, I get sex, so why do I need her to be my girlfriend?
I get false hope, thereby making me get hurt.

I kept it at five each. He just sent me a text, asking if we could “talk” again, and I said I’d have to wait and see if it’s a good idea or not. I don’t mind the sex. At all. I mean, it was just like when we used to have sex and it felt so good to be close to him again, but I know that for him.. it’s just sex. And I know it’s not just meaningless sex because I know that I mean SOMETHING to him, I’m just not ‘the girl for him’. And I do believe there’s a chance he’ll change his mind on that, but I also don’t think I should be waiting for that day. I told myself, and everyone else that I WOULDN’T wait for that day, even if I knew it would come.

I don’t think I’m going to tell my friends about this. One of them threatened me with a can of hairspray yesterday if I even HANG OUT WITH HIM, that it’s bad. And I know it is. I know there are much better things my time can be used for, like working on my future and working in general, and hanging out with my friends before everyone leaves for college. I feel like if I keep doing this, my head will just be saying it’s okay because then my heart still gets a bit of him. And my heart wants him back, but my head doesn’t. My head knows that it’s not smart, which is why I said my pants were staying on. But then he took them off, and then showed me the use of his long tongue with the trails, and I just.. I gave in. I didn’t WANT to give in, I wanted to be strong like last time.. but I just.. I missed the sex. I miss feeling that close to someone and for that while, it’s worth it… It’s worth it to have the happy feelings THEN, even if I get the bad feelings after.

Okay, it’s probably not worth it. Chances are in the end I’ll end up hating myself, and the only time I think it’ll be a good idea is when we’re actually having sex. But damnit, I missed sex. Is it bad to use that to maybe get back the person that I missed too? Actually, don’t even answer that question.. I already know the answer.

^{1. I don’t regret it, but I know it wasn’t the smartest idea I’ve ever had.}

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