So, Derek and I broke up. It’s been a long time coming, but I kept trying to put it off and save the relationship that was doomed. I don’t even really know WHAT changed, because he wont tell me. All I know is that he stopped loving me and started hurting me, and eventually it got to the point where I couldn’t keep doing that to myself.
It hurts, and probably will for awhile. I’m tired of crying and being upset and trying not to cry. I want things to go back, but I know they won’t. I shouldn’t be talking to him at all, but I’ve been texting him a bit. I don’t want to lose the friendship, but at the same time it’ll just hurt that much more if I keep talking to him.
I don’t even know what to feel.. stupid, for letting myself believe that I could fix things. Hurt, for the messages/texts he was sending other girls before we were over. Confused, because things went from being so perfect to so.. not. Or happy, because now I’m free from him & can move on, because he’s shown that I deserve better.
I got upset yesterday when I was home alone, and I found a box downstairs so I threw all of his stuff in there. Literally, just ripped apart my room looking for the stuffed animals, boxers, sweaters and crap of his that I had. All the notes, CD’s, random papers and even a tin from when we first started dating. Then I texted him telling him to pick it up when he got home. (And, apparently a pair of my underwear somehow got into the box. I seriously have no idea how that happened, so I’ll have to be getting those back..awkward?)
We hung out for a bit when he did, and I had to try not to cry. We went back to my house so I could get it for him, and I just couldn’t hold it in. I can’t hold it in now, even though I keep telling myself I’m done crying over this (yeah, like that’ll happen..). So he hugged me, and I told him he should go even though I wanted nothing more for him to stay, and to say “No, we can fix this. I was wrong & I’m sorry and I want to fix this.”
This might sound bad, but I just wish I had someone new NOW so my mind wasn’t constantly thinking of him. Someone else who treats me how I deserve, and won’t just wake up and stop loving me. In the past, I’ve gone back to Derek before but I’m going to try my hardest not to this time. I’m done letting him hurt me, even if I’ll never be done loving him.
