I never did end up hanging out with the guy I mentioned in my last post. We had a ‘date’ planned, but he ‘fell asleep’ and since I didn’t really care about going either way, I haven’t talked to him since. Last weekend however, I went to my good friend Tyler’s house for a party. There’s a lot of history between Tyler and I though nothing *legit* has ever happened. Lately, we joke A LOT about getting drunk and having sex but we never actually drink together (we are both of legal age, just for clarity). So he had some people over, and I (along with many others) were staying the night at his house.

One of his best friends, Joesph, was there. Now, I’ve know him for a long time. We were never really *friends*, but we went to the same middle/high school, would talk occasionally and some of my friends have been friends with him at some points over the years. I never would have considered him my friend, but he is one of Tyler’s best friends. We ended up being partners for beer pong (even though we both suck at that game) and ended up kicking ASS. But still, it was just all fun & games & I didn’t really expect anything at all to come of it.

So 5am rolls around, and we’re all getting ready to sleep and I somehow end up basically cuddling with Joesph on the couch. Just massaging and some hand holding, and laying on top of him so I could sleep (the couch was tiny). He ended up suggesting that we ‘move to somewhere the sun won’t wake us up’, which happened to be a closet. Up until this point, nothing legitimate (I don’t really count him trying to feel me up legit, considering I just kept saying I was tired and wanted to sleep. ha) happened. When I tried to sleep in said closet (it was more of just a small room, but under a set of stairs. Tyler has a freaking nice house, okay?) his response was ‘just humor me for five minutes’ & we ended up making out.

Before I knew it, clothes were off and we were having sex. Now, I mentioned in my last post that I wasn’t sure I could have sex outside of a relationship. Apparently, I can. Without really giving much of a fuck at all. I mean, the next morning I had a mini-freakout that Tyler was going to hate me but after he found out & just laughed at me (though I still feel like he’s a little pissed, probably just my over imagination), I am perfectly okay with it. The 2+ hours of sex wasn’t necessarily the best I’ve had, but I wouldn’t call it the worst. I didn’t think it was worth it at first, but I’ve kind of changed my mind on that. I’ve been texting the guy a bit (he msged me on facebook after, because I already had him as a friend, with his number and some babbling) and while I don’t see anything real ever happening (he is, kind of an asshole. Only in the sense that he speaks his mind and usually his opinion is super offensive. But he’s actually a super nice guy over, and incredibly hilarious) it’s still nice to have someone to talk to & he did suggest doing it again, but I’m not really sure what the chances of that ever happening are.

I do still feel like my morals are slipping from me, but I don’t regret the choice I made. I always wondered if I’d be able to sleep with someone without feelings/really knowing them at all, and I think that now that I know I can, I don’t really need to do it anymore. And as RANDOM as it was (as in, I never, ever though I would ever be sleeping with him), it was nice to figure that out with someone that I at least knew for awhile, and not just some random. Is it even considered a one night stand if you know the person?

And yes, I was totally comparing his penis size to Derek’s when I first saw it, ha.

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Justin & I have been separated for a few months shy from a year. I got over the relationship rather quickly especially after the absurd 2 week “break” that we took, which killed me every day. Every single day that I knew we were on a “break” made me cry miserably, but it surprisingly took me that same amount of time to get over the relationship. [Quick side note: breaks are incredibly stupid. If you need to go on a "break" with someone, just break-up with them, it is clear the relationship isn't working out. Either the two of you just aren't working anymore, or you've both forgotten what makes you happy that you've lost yourself.]

So, what happened with us? We took a major dip that I talked about, but then we also talked about it & rekindled what we had, or so I thought. Little did I know, Justin was “faking” it the entire time. When we broke up, he was clearly no longer the person I knew & fell in love with anymore. People change, it’s natural, but the person I was staring at with my eyes heavy with tears, was no longer someone I recognized. He had changed so much that I didn’t even know who he was anymore. He was rude, inconsiderate, cold, & selfish. I haven’t spoken to him since our break-up, but that was his choice since he promised that he’d keep in touch, but he didn’t. I don’t bother to contact him because I feel he doesn’t deserve the privilege to speak to me. It’s not much of a right, but what little of a right it is, it’s not something he deserves.

Since Justin, I’ve gone out so much that I at one point, landed myself someone–Tom–to have fun with on the weekends. I was casually seeing him & casually sleeping with him, but Tom is trying to play games with me by making me chase him. I know I’m pretty young, but I feel that I’m too damn old emotionally to be playing games. Does he want to get laid on a weekly basis or not? Last time I checked, he works way too much to go out looking for a girlfriend, so right now, I’m the next best thing & he’s said so himself. I’m not going to chase any guy I don’t see a future with, especially not him. So, I got over that & deleted his number from my phone to prevent drunk texting him. For someone of his age, you’d think that he’d be a little more mature, but he’s comparable to a Frat boy with money. That’s the last thing I need & I’d rather cut out the anxiety that brings me.

Now I’m back at square one: no guy (although there are some that are actively chasing me), enjoying the freedoms of being single & its lack of responsibilities, & exploring a whole new world that I never got to explore before. This year has been a bit of a roller coaster for me emotionally, but after my separation with Justin, I’ve been so happy with my life. I’m loving every minute of it & I’m in the best place & best age to be single.

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Derek and I don’t talk anymore. We were for a bit, but I haven’t texted him in a week and I’m just trying to move on with my life. Since I don’t talk to him, and I’m no longer having sex.. I decided to stop taking birth control because it was pointless for me to be spending money on it every month when I wasn’t using it. That, and the clinic is only open one day a week for four hours so it was hard for me to pick up another pack. I figured going off it would stop me from having sex with him too, because it’s riskier. Not that I’m talking to him but you know, given our history you never know.

Since going off it (actually, a little bit before too) I’ve been an emotional wreck. I cry at everything, stupid things, random songs, memories, etc. It sucks. I never had any problems while on the pill, and so far have had no problems going off it like some people said they have but I’m just so moody and emotional. Last night, I almost cried because my mom went to Wal-Mart without me. I started sobbing randomly last night, just out of no where. And 85% of the time, I just want to text Derek and tell him to make me feel better, but I don’t. And I can’t.

I’m being strong on the whole, don’t text him thing. I know that time (or another boy, heh) is the only thing that’s going to help me move on. Texting him isn’t going to, and I knew that ages ago but I never did it because I never really wanted it to be the end of us. And honestly, I still don’t. He was a shitty boyfriend and is a pretty shitty person in general now, but it’s so hard when I used to love him so much. But since he’s not him anymore, all I want is that old him back but I know that’s not possible. I’m being strong, and just crying myself to sleep versus texting him, sexing him, or anything of the sort. Yeah, so I want to cry at work when a certain song comes on or I want to cry when I’m n a freaking CAR WASH because of the memories of us going through those, with the windows leaking or spending the whole time making out.

It’s hard. It’ll be worth it in the end. Part of me still thinks (but tries not to hope) that one day, he’ll realize what an asshole he was, how good I was to him, and how we could have worked. But I can’t wait for him, and I can’t keep letting myself get hurt. So I’m done, and I will be so mad at myself if I try to text him.

But it still sucks, that he hasn’t tried to text me. I mean, I know that I went off on him about how much better I deserved and was a bitch, but he deserved that after everything he’s done. It sucks to feel like after all this time he doesn’t care, when I’m here crying over it day in & day out but. Idk, that’s life and that’s just one of the many reasons we aren’t together anymore, and why I’m better off without him.

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It’s been awhile since I’ve posted, and I think a lot has happened since then in terms of my relationship with Derek.

Just recently, I realized something. We’ve still kept up with our ex-sex, and I think I’m just finally realizing now why I do it (other than the fact that I like sex). I no longer love him, because he is no longer the same person he used to be.

To come to this conclusion, well it kind of sucks. He’s changed a lot in the last few months, even before we broke up… and it’s to the point where.. I don’t even really recognize the person he is anymore. Because he’s not the same, at all. I think why I chose to continue on with the sex was because I was hoping that maybe somehow, he would go back to being the old him – maybe when he was done school, or moved back home or just randomly one day, and then the old him, the one that loved me.. would come back & we could be happy again. Because I still love that old version, but I can’t say that I love him because he’s a totally different person. I can barely even say I like the new version of him.

I don’t know why it’s hitting me so hard to realize this, but maybe because I finally realize that he’s not going to change back & I can’t keep hoping for that. It’s like Kate Voegele says I guess,I’ve seen your act & I know all the facts / I’m still in love with who I wish you were / It ain’t hard to see who you are underneath / and I’m still in love with who I wish you were / I wish you were here.

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All of my life, I have categorized myself under the sexual preference of “straight”. That was until I actually took a course in Human Sexuality a while back & I’ve opened up my mind & realized that I am more than that & so are most people.

I’m not saying that people one day wake up & choose to be a homosexual, I don’t believe that is a choice, but I’m saying that I do not love someone simply because they have a male part that fits into my vagina. I don’t love my boyfriend on the basis that he has a penis & I know that Audrey doesn’t love her boyfriend on the basis that he is a man either.

We love our significant others for their personalities, their actions, the way they make us feel when we’re around them, the comfort they bring us, the love they share with us, & the willingness, sacrifice, & compromise they endure with us.

I’m not going to label myself as a bisexual or a lesbian or a confused straight woman, I don’t want to label myself at all. I just know that I love Justin for Justin, not because his genitalia & mine fit together like puzzle pieces & it feels AWESOME (although that is a huge plus). I don’t love Justin because he’s the opposite gender, I love him for his personality; his “soul” if you will.

I’ve never been attracted to a girl in the way that I could see myself with them sexually (other than ridiculously gorgeous celebrities), but that’s because I’ve yet to find a girl with as beautiful of a soul as Justin’s. Sure Justin is kind of a mischievous 20 something year old most of the time, but he’s logical, rational, practical, incredibly intelligent, doesn’t say “like” every other word, & drama free. Pretty difficult to find those attributes in a girl, but regardless, Justin is who he is which is why I am in love with him.

You could probably say that we are attracted to a certain “gender” because that “gender” shapes their personality in some shape or form which is why we tend to date those that we are “supposed to”, but down to the nitty-gritty, I am attracted to my boyfriend for him. If he was born a she & still had his same personality, I’d still probably fall in love with “her”. Of course, I’d consider “her” as my best friend first, but there’s a certain chemistry we have between the two of us that is undeniable, unshakable, & hell, I’m pretty sure “she’d” be really hot as a girl.

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