The other day I went to Wil’s house. We discovered that it was actually quite nice to hug naked. It felt really warm and comfortable and we were just lying down on the rug in his lounge room.

Prior to that, we didn’t have that weird awkwardness last time when he came to my place. Last time it was very weird and we were even wondering how to take our clothes off… and we spent quite some time asking each other what exactly we wanted to do.

Every time Wil stimulates me by touching my clitoris (which I really enjoy, for the record!) I feel like I orgasm differently compared to when I masturbate. It feels more intense, and though it doesn’t really feel like I climax, it feels a lot better, and a lot more exciting. I really like just lying on top of him as he does it. He did tell me that he enjoys doing it to me too. No input on how he feels about me completely breathing on his face, but I love just brushing my lips against his – no actual kissing, but the feeling is so… so sensual.

After that we tried “69″. Eh, well it didn’t go too well, but we actually spent some time looking at each other’s reproductive organs and I guess “teaching” each other all the parts. It amused Wil when he “probed” (well that was how he put it) his finger in and out of me, until I told him to stop because it started tickling so bad and I felt like I was going to pee myself all over his rug.

“69″ was… a little too difficult. We were amused that we tasted the same, though, albeit saltier than we’d even expected. Damn.

We didn’t go much further but we took a shower together after all that. I am really happy that we can be so comfortable with each other when it comes to sexual things. However, I know that despite all this experimenting, sex is still far off – I definitely don’t feel like I’m ready for it, and the possibility of getting pregnant and even the idea of getting pregnant terrifies me. I got my period today and my cramps were absolutely intolerable. From here, it probably won’t go further for some time to come.

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Looking back on the past, is, undeniably – a bitch. I hate doing it, but at the same time I have this creepy love for it. I love looking back on all the stuff that happened. When it comes to love, it’s no exception. I compare my current situation with situations in the past, look at how I fell in love with people. Why I fell in love. Why I never cherished being single and didn’t enjoy the time I had being single.

I actually regret it a little now. It’s almost like flirting was a sin.

LSS (Long Story Short): I kissed a guy called Mark. He followed me around, started following me partially the way home. I know that living near me was no excuse! He did not have to follow me around and try to talk to me and put his arm around me.

He was trying to console me about Cor. I dated Cor for about ten months on and off. Cor was younger but fairly mature – even though the more I got to find out about him, the more we fell apart and I realised he wasn’t willing to make sacrifices for me, and wasn’t willing to patch up differences or accept the fact that we had differences.

I was really upset about Cor so I guess I really appreciated Mark trying to make me feel better. Mark was a distant classmate of Cor’s – ergo, younger too.

After he followed me numerous times he tried to make me feel better when I was exceptionally upset. He held my hands and hugged me and then and there at the corner of my street he asked if I wanted to go out with him.

I was surprised.

My response was to kiss him.

I don’t know why I did it. But I thought, what the heck. Why not. Why not just jump in and make moves on guys and flirt with them… okay, those weren’t my exact thoughts. But running through my mind was the reality that Cor and I were over. I had to get over it. I felt like going out with Mark might be a good ol’ change.

Come on, I was fifteen. And the devil can stab me… well, in the form of my mother, who was screaming at me from our house further down the street. It fucking killed me; the way she hit me, screamed at me, told Mark I wasn’t home the next day when he popped by… told me to stay away from him, threatened to send me to another school…

The previous truth was: I hated Mark.

It’s not that we got off on a bad foot, or he said something nasty – it was just rumours I chose to believe – that he was a jerk, arrogant, loserish, and any kind of “fail” there possibly was. But, in reference to Jackie’s last post and the comment I made – I saw past that. You know, I love Wil right now for who he is, and his soul. I look past the way people look, the things I hear, and I see them as a different person.

Wil even told me that I saw past Jeremy, because his truth is that he thinks Jeremy is an ass. Bethany told me the same about myself. She said I am so different from her in that I give people a chance and I don’t judge them before knowing them properly, I look past the way they look and what I know distantly.

I saw the good side of Mark.

And curse my mother, for doing something so humiliating and prying thoughts into my mind, that inevitably made me realise that enjoying the single life was not worth it.

I regret that.

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Whoops. So I realised I never filled Peyton in on this one.

I guess I went into my little bubble and had a cry and scream about the whole thing… but let’s do this reflection thing as I planned it. (I can’t believe I never posted about it, probably got too caught up in other shit happening.)

Jeremy and I came to the conclusion (well, I suppose he did) that kisses are overrated. And that was after we kissed. Yeah, I hear the voiceover coming from you now.

You kissed Jeremy? What the fuck did Wil think? What the fuck were you thinking?

Before we go off into a plan on slaughtering me: Can I just say that we kissed; simple as that. The fact that I responded to the kiss, just explains that fact itself, also hopefully clarifying that he was the one who went in for it. But let me go to said time and place and said incident of this one kiss. I suppose you could say it was a long kiss (not 12 centimetres, I mean in duration, geez), but how long it takes is a little beside the point. Not to mention, we all have our own perceptions of “long”, and once kissing Wil for 40 minutes was “long” to me. So… I don’t know.

For some time while my mother confiscated my laptop and in which I was just going through a really rough time at home, I often went to the bank before work or just browsed the shops. I had to ask my dad to drop me off early but he didn’t mind, nor did he get suspicious.

During that time I met up with Jeremy, because he just wanted to see if I was okay. Wil didn’t have the time to head down and see me, and after planned meetings with friends and shit, and my mother totally ruining them and making my life miserable, all I wanted was a friend to give me a hug. Jeremy was someone who was able to find the time to come and see me, and the only opportunity for that was by heading off to work early.

(Parents suck, FTR.)

Jeremy and I would just sit there in the park near my workplace, and talk, or just hug, and it just made me feel better, knowing that I had a friend who could cheer me up.

Several times, we’d kissed each other on the cheek upon farewell. I liked to think it was just a friendly gesture (well, since we are close friends), but sooner or later it happened: it went further.

The way Jeremy would like me to tell it probably goes a little something like this.

He was kissing my cheek a few times. It got pretty tempting to just kiss him. I knew it was wrong. I tried not to do it. But I felt really comforted by the feel of his arms around me.
I sort of blurted, “Why do you have to do that? Kissing me like that might as well be the equivalent of kissing me on the mouth.” (Lips? Whatever.)

It was a nasty statement to provoke him, knowing how much he wanted to actually kiss me, and how I often did myself, but also knowing that we were trying so hard. Trying really hard not to. So when he went in for my mouth I just kissed him back. I felt his lips on mine, and his arms around me, and the feel of his tongue before I realised — fuck.

It was an incident that made me cry and rip my hair out on several occasions, because, ultimately, I could not… I simply could not lie to Wil, and eventually, I told him. I freaking love him. He’s not the kind of guy to bash up other people for acts like this. He just… took it with a grain of salt, I guess? He simply disliked that Jeremy had the capacity of mind to perform such an action. He didn’t feel hatred for Jeremy, or want to murder him, or want to stab his heart with a pick axe. He didn’t slap me for telling him two months later, for hiding it from him and not telling him straight away, for kissing Jeremy back…

“Force of habit.”

I’m only… thankful… that that same force of habit doesn’t lead me to do the same thing again. I missed kissing Wil, and the thrill there was in kissing Jeremy – well, that was just wrong. I’m not doing it again. I slapped myself for this one. For fuck’s sake, Audrey. Make out with your pillow or something for the time being.

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Jeremy and I had a fight yesterday. Ugh. I filled Lana in on this. I met him in the mornings like I usually do. I didn’t take my laptop because I wanted less strain on my back and I figured I wouldn’t need my laptop much during the day anyway, due to other plans and not really needing it in class (it’s funny that my mum suspected me of not going to class because I didn’t bring my laptop, heh).

I hopped on the computer when I got to university. I mean, after chatting with Jeremy a bit, and reading his Scott Pilgrim comic. When Leroy came, I said, “Hey, Leroy’s here.”

“I know,” he said, a bit bluntly. I didn’t suspect anything was up. After I checked my email and websites before class started, I also talked to Leroy, but Jeremy was engrossed in watching something on his iPhone with his earphones in. When I came across a video on the computer of a cute cat and bird walking together, I thought he might like it. I got Leroy to tap him on the shoulder.

Jeremy took out his earphones, looked up, sort of scoffed, and then just went back to what he was doing. I scoffed back and said that he didn’t even give the video a chance. Maybe I sounded a bit mad.

Jeremy said he was going to the lecture room and he’d see us inside. Once inside, the expression on his face told me something was up, so I asked if he was okay.

“Not really,” he said coldly.
“Are you… mad at me?” I asked, jumping the gun. It was a possibility.
“Yes.” He snapped.
“What did I do?”
“I’ll tell you later,” he said, and gestured his hand as if to tell me to get out of his way and sit.
The way he said it was really damn cold. I actually felt like crying then and there, because Jeremy hadn’t ever been so snappish with me.

After the lecture, he just went to the shops. Maybe because I gave him the cold shoulder. I spent some time with Leroy and Wil, and I had a good time alone with Wil, too.

I said to Jeremy two hours later in class, “You don’t have to sit next to me.”
“If I didn’t want to sit here I wouldn’t be here.”
“You’re not going to tell me what’s up.”
“You want me to tell you now with all these people here?”

After class, Leroy said, “Come on Jeremy, what’s up.”
“I need to talk to Audrey alone, so can you go away for a second?”

Fire from the dragon’s mouth.

“I don’t come here early at 8am and wake up at 6:30am for you to go on the computer and return comments. I don’t keep you company because of that. I wanted to talk to you. And I actually had stuff to tell you and I wanted to chat to you. I found it SO RUDE when you just sat there away from me and used the computer. When you didn’t bring your laptop I thought you would be away from the computer but you just went on there AS SOON AS YOU GOT HERE.”

He was so angry. He was furious and I couldn’t look him in the eye to see the expression on his face. I just wanted to cry. I could feel the tears coming up, but I didn’t say anything. I wanted to get angry that he was mad about something so small. I wanted to apologise and just hug and let it pass. I was just so close to tears that in the end my pride just took over because I didn’t want him to see me cry.

“Are you okay?” he asked, genuinely, and I could feel his face no longer that angry…
“If something about me bothered you that much, you could have told me earlier instead of making me wait.”

I walked away. Around the corner, there was Leroy… thank goodness he was there to make me feel better. I felt like shit for doing that. But he was angry over something so small that it hurt more the way he said it, than what he was angry about.

When I got home, Jeremy had sent me an email. He said he didn’t mean for what he said to come out so angrily. I called him up, we talked it over, and we’re okay now. He worried that I was never going to talk to him again. Well, it was a stupid little thing to get angry about. But I’m glad we sorted things out.

Then, problem two. Far out. Wil texted me at night and said that he couldn’t sleep. I don’t even know why… but he just suddenly brought up the subject of Jeremy.

(I told Wil that Jeremy and I kissed. It was a difficult feat, but he’s no longer bothered by it… but he still seems not to like Jeremy. Even after Jeremy apologised to him in person…)

Wil said, “Is there a reason you talk to me so little on MSN? You talk to Jeremy about things in your day and you barely say anything to me.”

I asked if he wanted to chat and talk about it…

“No. I don’t understand his attempts to get your affection or attention, but his instability bothers me. That doesn’t seem to concern you, so I’ll just shut it.”

I don’t know why. It made me really upset. We had a nice time together and suddenly he was being so hostile – Bethany said it was just because he couldn’t sleep, maybe. I just want it to blow over. Why the fuck does everyone I love suddenly go bonkers? I never mean to hurt Wil just because I don’t chat to him much online. I know, maybe I need to stop spending so much time with my websites. Already I feel like I am, and that I’m drifting away from my online hobbies. I enjoy spending time with Wil in person. It just hurts that he is angry over something so trivial, and got so snappy at me like that.

As was Jeremy. Are all males like this? Freaking hell.

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Strange as it may seem considering we’ve been together quite a long time, today was the first time I saw Wil with no clothes on. And vice versa.

The whole experience was pretty awkward, and we were saying the most awkward things. We’ve felt aroused around each other sometimes – but in completely the wrong place.

You’re reading about the couple who would put their hands in each other’s pockets at the back of the classroom in English class in high school whilst we were watching a video. The couple who would lie on top of each other in the quiet park down the road, and then almost being caught by some perverted jerk-off who obviously had nothing better to do but watch and simply assume that the young couple were having intercourse.

The couple who would tease each other online with sexual innuendos and the like.

The couple who wouldn’t ever feel that way in each other’s presence – no, rarely.

Wil and I rarely get time alone, and today we did. Even though we were kissing each other passionately as we pressed our bodies against each other before we were unclothed, it was awkward. We talked and wondered what we should do, for both of us were curious but not quite ready to fire into anything.

What meant the most to me was that upon discussing oral sex, Wil held me close and said, “Please. Don’t do this unless you really want to. I don’t want it to end up in your mouth, and I really don’t want you to do anything you’re going to regret later on or anything you don’t even want to do.”

It kind of shot back a strange memory of Jeremy – shit, Jeremy, shit really. I remembered one occasion where Jeremy wanted to discuss sex on a certain level, but before continuing, he said, “You’re the girl. And because you’re the girl, it’s up to you. It’s always up to the girl.”

My respect meter for him just fucking exploded. And my respect meter for Wil? It went way past 100% too, but the contents bubbled and cracked the casing as it overflowed. What he said was so sweet.

I decided to try performing oral sex on Wil. Big step. Something we’d talked about, as a possibility, quite some time ago. My curiosity got the better of me after he left me in throes of ecstasy by rubbing me down there…

We were mucking around so it didn’t go very far – for one thing we were laughing over a condom. I’d never seen one before today, and neither had he. I think we were just being really immature about it. After I started on him, we just couldn’t stop laughing.

I kind of thought that one day soon we’d go pretty far – if this isn’t “far” already – but I don’t know. Sometimes I like the bliss of just kissing, holding, just the presence of one another. I wouldn’t do anything if I wasn’t ready. And I love Wil, because he respects that.

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